ta ta

moved to wordpress

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if you read me here occasionally - find me there :)

"A New me" (a bit late)

this is for my own personal benefit. im sorry if you came here and i'm boring.
hopefully i can look back and see some actual progress.
i bought my wedding dress last night. i look smokin hot in it but i still need to tone up my arms big time and my tummy could use some work (even if the dress isnt skin tight).

i have been VERY good for 2 weeks now, with a month before that of continuous gym time (and good/decent eating as well). i want to continue going to the gym at least 3 days a week, most times 4.

Wednesday 10/10
Breakfast - Special K with fresh strawberries
1 cup of Coffee
snack - kashi granola bar
some candy corn. oops
Lunch - spicy tuna sushi, Fuze Tropical Punch drink
snack -
Lots of water throughout the day
Dinner - steak and veggie

Tonight: gym

Updates tomorrow

t minus 3 days... i hope

Now im not gonna get all wishy-washy on you and whine and cry about how much I am missing D and how life is not the same without him here to do all my everyday activities…. BUT IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The week before kind of dragged on without him at the apartment – it was weird to do all the things I normally do WITH him… without him. But I persevered, and by Friday it was time to go..

I went to Texas to visit him on Friday and we had an amazing weekend together. It was nothing short of perfect. We didn’t fight [except when we got cranky over food and snapped once], we laughed, ate delicious food, snuggled, watched Food network, and generally just loved each other so much it hurt.

We went to White Sands, NM – and it was freaking amazing. Definitely an excellent memory to have. Now we are crazy for travel and decided we need to visit more national parks and see more beautiful things like Yellowstone park, and the grand canyon. One of the best things about being with D is that all the things I want to see in the world, he has never seen before – so we get to explore them together, instead of him already seeing things and saying “ehh maybe another time”. It’s great. Well I can’t say none of the places… I want to go to California SO BAD but he’s been and says its overrated. Our only place of agreement is Napa Valley, and I think we have agreed to do a wine tour for our 30th birthdays – only 4 more years to save for that! Hahaha

Right now things are up in the air as far as him coming home is concerned. As of Friday he was scared that they might not be done with the work he was sent for, and that may mean he would have to stay until its done – through the Labor Day weekend! [this equals me NOT being happy]. But last night they told him they would most likely be done with all the testing by tonight, and finish up Wednesday and Thursday. THAT makes me happy :) very. So fingers crossed and all goes well, I will be back with him FOR GOOD on Friday at 2am!!!!

OH and my parents are gone too and I’m dog sitting, which is all well & good – but now I have more responsibility (watering plants, picking tomatoes, watching said dog) and I’m not in my home in my own routine – it’s different and better, not the same old thing, looking at his stuff and missing him. And now I know where he is and I can have a mental picture of it all so it’s just a bit better. (not much, but some)

So I bought myself a new purse to bring up my mood a bit. I hope it wasn’t a rash decision, but I think I love it - yay!

so happy! sorry im sickening.

So by this point (Friday) I’ve calmed down a little bit – I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am THRILLED, but after sitting at work all day on Thursday not doing a BIT of work, I had to put that aside for a little bit and actually try to do something! I think one of the best parts is my mother. Not that I ever thought she wouldn’t be excited for us, I just didn’t realize she would be SO into it!! On day 1 she was already sending links, ideas, locations, etc – all day long!! Originally we wanted to do a destination wedding [bad]. Neither me or D are the ‘typical Jersey bullshit’ wedding types. There will be no big nasty ‘hall’ somewhere, gaudy and over-done. No way. So we thought escaping to an island, partying and getting married on the beach was perfect for us. We love the beach, we live there – its just really our laid-back style. But the more we looked into it, the more we realized as much as we didn’t want 250 people there, we probably wouldn’t even have the people there that we DID want. It was just too much. And I said from the beginning, we need to see if the pro’s outweigh the con’s. if it looks like more bad then good, then we will have to adjust accordingly. So as we looked into Bermuda it just didn’t seem do-able. Then, my wonderful mother sends me a link of a cool idea in Newport [our second choice]. It was PERFECT for us!! The company is a clambake caterer – and we’re basically planning our wedding around that. We all love the idea, and it is perfectly us. Not fussy, not to chic, just FUN. It’s served on china, under a beautiful tent outside, where we get married right there (hopefully – we are meeting there on Sept 10 to make a final choice), and then dance and party the night away. It’s all falling into place and I am SO freakin excited. Its really great that D is from RI too, because its fun for us, my parents (and us) LOVE Newport, but it is also a bit of a reference to his upbringing. I’m just so happy and can’t wait!!
I mean if there was no mom, I don’t know if I would have ANYTHING done.

Now I just need to stress out, lose some weight and make it through the next year.

And DAMMIT. D is away on travel for work for the next 2 WEEKS!!!!!!!!! This doesn’t seem fair to me! But I am going there to visit him on Friday, so I really only have 4 nights of sleeping alone to handle until then. I CAN DO IT. Although I have to say I feel really lonely already and I haven’t even been home yet!!

continued...

August 1 – Part 2

So after we freak out a bit – we go back to the house to start calling everyone we know. My parents happen to be nearby – “coincidence” I’m sure – so I call them first and squeal and yell and they say they’ll be right over. We call a few friends, but then wait for them, and they stay about an hour, we drink 2 bottles of champagne, and just go on and on and on about all this stuff. Just so freaking exciting! Even my DAD has a smile ear to ear – since he originally told D “No” when he asked [kidding of course]. He mumbled something about guns, and then said “okay” hahaha gotta love my dad, the cutest. So after they left around 9:45 – we drank some more, called everyone else we wanted to tell, and were just GIDDY! It was such a great night. But by the time it was bedtime I was READY. We passed out, and the next day was my BIRTHDAY----


WHO CARES?!?!


August 2

So my birthday was all well & good – it was a blur of 1,000,000 emails, phone calls, and texts – thank you D for single-handedly making all my friends care more about me then they have in a long long time! So the day FLEW by, and we headed up to my parents house for a planned birthday dinner out at our favorite restaurant in their town. C came in from the city and she was THRILLED for us. I was stunned at her reaction – but genuinely happy for the way she acted. She only turned it into something about her when she was mad that D didn’t share his plans with her about what he was going to do, or ring shopping or anything. But hello – he CLEARLY didn’t need your help – and clearly not from someone who doesn’t really know me anymore anyway. So anyway, we had a really nice dinner full of food & lots of wine – then went back for cake & presents. I still love that shit, even at 25! Lots of great stuff, including new camera, travel bag, money, beautiful framed pictures, a various other little things. It was a great night! i am just SO LUCKY and floating on cloud 9!

an honest woman

So since I have been MIA since the big proposal I thought I would try to break things down in a few sections to keep it interesting. Not that I am interesting but there is a lot to tell ...

August 1 – Part 1

Had work, per usual. Decided to go get a mani/pedi after work to treat myself for my birthday, and it took FOR-EV-ER, normally I’m in and out within an hour – this time they didn’t even see me for an hour. Little do I know that D is at home chomping at the bit waiting for me. So I do my thing, and come home for my delicious pre-birthday meal. D is waiting, and says ‘let’s go walk on the beach before we eat’. I think nothing of it since we like to do that to unwind after work, talk and enjoy the beach. We go out walking, BS’ing about the day, about his work thing he had going on, and it was just perfect. Beautiful weather, warm water, soft sand, etc. We’re on our way back and I’m bitching about how one of my friends doesn’t seem to be caring about my upcoming birthday and I’m feeling snubbed and D starts trailing behind me. I don’t really notice as I am wrapped in my story (as per usual) and I turn around and he’s looking at the sand, near the jetty. I start to walk over there like “what the hell are you doing” and he’s like ooh look at this shell – acting very strange, not making eye contact, just NOT him. So I turn to look and he’s on one knee.


HOLY SHIT… he’s really doing it right here!!

So he’s down and he’s looking up at me and he’s silent – like he’s forgotten what he wanted to say, and I’m shaking and excited and just want him to do it! So he tells me how he’s loved me since the minute he first saw me freshman year of college - etc etc – and so of course, I say “OF COURSE” and he says “wait…do I put it on or do you??” “YOU DO YOU DO!! DO IT!!” I’m so excited I thought I was gonna pass out!! So we’re screaming and jumping, hugging, kissing and laughing. So a couple is walking and they come over and say “good job man – congratulations, that was great!” and we sit down he says “I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL YOU!!!” so we dish – and he tells me all about asking my parents, keeping it a secret from me, about how he picked up the ring while we were home & went to Newport, etc, and how scared he was I was going to reach in his pocket and grab it or something. I was buzzing..

OH!!!

and THE RING IS PERFECT!!!!!!!

So freaking freaking perfect. Just the right size, perfect for my hand, my style, everything. I was SO impressed – it’s sad that I actually thought I may not like what he would come up with, but I do – I loooooooooove it. I STILL can’t stop staring at it! [god, I’m gushing – but I’m allowed to, give me my moment!]

SUPER SEXY BIRTHDAY

I TAKE IT ALL BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE'RE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

phenominal.

moving right along, skinny style

We’re down to the wire. Tomorrow at this time I will be 25.

Moving on, let’s see what’s happening in my world as of now. Have started “5-Factor Fitness” and I’m loooooving it. My whole body hurts, which is something that hasn’t happened in ages. The workouts are short, intense and leave me feeling like I accomplished something. I don’t have to live for over an hour at the gym. I eat 5 small-ish meals a day, and never really feel that hungry. This is definitely something I can stick to. Unfortunately the next 2 days are a wash, as tonight I have to go get a manicure and pedicure [yes I “have” to], then D is making me a gorgeous dinner, and tomorrow is my birthday and we’re going out after work. SooOo that doesn’t really leave a lot of time for the gym. BUT since it only takes 25 minutes I plan to go after work Friday before we do anything that night. So I’m committed to this. And I’m doing it. For real I am going to lose weight, get toned & keep it that way!!!!

I’m gassy. Crap. Another long day of work, I guess I should get to it.

I think I’m going to buy myself a birthday outfit today at lunch [if I find something…]

I love treating myself!!!! :)

oh lordy

Ok I need to take a few minutes to get some stuff out. NOW.

First of all, my birthday is 2 days away. Not tomorrow, the day after. Woo. Hoo.

Second, I think my boyfriend is an idiot.

Now, hear me out. I love him. He’s fabulous, funny, gorgeous, and a great cook, among the many many other things that make me love him more every day. But being ‘romantic’ and a good gift giver is not really his #1 quality. Through the years I’ve gotten some interesting things from him – from a weird heart pendant necklace to these little mouse figurines, to nine west sandals (actually very nice), basically every weird thing on earth. So yeah, I don’t really ever expect too much. I know that when I’m doing presents I think logically and what people would really love and use and be so happy about. I got him this awesome travel bag for his birthday (expensive) – [and among other things], canvas and leather and very “man-like” as he had stated in the past he was looking for. He lovessss it and uses it all the damn time. It was a great investment of $400 and I don’t regret it at all. So being that it’s my 25th birthday and I always get all pouty and ‘depressed’ before you would think that he would maybe do a little something more….

Well last night so last night D was wrapping my presents [which I hadn’t even seen come in, except one box from red envelope], and he apparently had something in his car. So he had this roll of wrapping paper and he's out wrapping for like 20-30 minutes it seems like, and he comes in and is like "I ran out of paper, do you have any? I'm so dumb I thought this might happen" so I tell him where & he continues wrapping.... I come out after he's done and there are no presents anywhere. esp. if he had run out of paper you would think it might be something big. so whatever I go to sleep and he passes out & I’m laying there when suddenly it hits me - he went to snapfish and ordered pictures from our Newport trip and framed them - esp. this one of a sailboat that was really pretty & he had said "ooh we can frame this & hang it somewhere here" - hence all the paper and it was probably under/behind something. so this morning he had to be at work at 6:30, so I got up and poked around and SURE ENOUGH - 2 framed somethings under the couch [wrapped]!!!!!!!

So seriously, 2 framed pictures from MY OWN FREAKING CAMERA?! I mean yeah its sweet and it was a cool picture, but seriously, for my birthday???? I know I’m overreacting and I would hope there was something more than that, but I was like between tears and shocked this morning. I know I shouldn’t try to look for anything but hello, of course I will

So now of course I’m mad, but I can’t be. Who knows what he’s planning, but seriously – framed pictures from my own camera? I feel terrible that he would only think to spend $20 on that, and think it is so “romantic” and nice. What would have been nice was doing that just BECAUSE, not as a gift for my birthday. And I know, I know – he is trying to save for a ring which is a big commitment and responsibility, etc etc – but I’m still feeling bummed. I know I’m an asshole so save me the shit.

Thankfully I’m getting a kick-ass camera from my parents that I am supremely looking forward to, I’m getting a home cooked meal from D tomorrow and dinner out to my FAVORITE restaurant on my actual birthday, so things could be worse. Again, how many times do I have to tell myself – IT’S JUST ANOTHER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

setting my record straight.

Rhode island was great, more to come on that later....

first, i bitch.

My birthday is just around the corner - about a week away, and it always brings me down every year as I have gotten older. No, it’s not the ‘I’m getting older’ thing, its not ‘I’m approaching 30’, etc etc – it always seems to be more then that. I build up this day, I’m excited for it for the month or so beforehand, “only 22 days till my birthday” – and so on. I imagine all the nice things people might do for me since it is my birthday, I think of all the nice attention, and as it gets closer I feel like I’m slapped with reality. There will be no nice things. My friends will be “too busy” with other important things and then it leaves me feeling pretty much like I should, as it is my fault. I don’t make the effort I should, and therefore who the hell is gonna do anything nice for me??

I hate the fact that I’ve possibly built up something in my head that in no way shape or form is going to happen on my birthday. D is not even acting like I have a birthday coming up, much less like he might propose then. I snooped, I found things, and I have been constantly looking – but with no sign of any ring, much less a present AT ALL. So he’s got a week, and hopefully something will materialize. I wish that in these situations all the things that I did for others on their birthdays with my thoughtfulness & caring would be reciprocated back to me – but instead I am left feeling like “wow, why do I keep doing this stuff for others”? When I talk to D about what the 2 of us might do next week he is very nonchalant like “oh, whatever, maybe we’ll do dinner” – no excitement, no emotion what-so-ever basically. So either he really is a douche bag and I need to reassess or he is a good actor.

But whatever, I’ve got to get over this whole thing. My birthday will come & go like any other day, except I will get some cards, have a nice dinner, eat some cake and have people ask, “So, do you feel any different?” It will just be another Thursday in August. Next year I will have another [God willing], and I will get momentarily depressed and then slap myself around and say ‘stop being such a loser’.

I put it on myself. I say “I don’t want to make a big deal” – and I truly don’t, but I think deep down I wish that others would do it ANYWAY

I’m an idiot.

I need to get over myself, get over this “event”, this day, this stupid time of year. I need to just enjoy what’s left of summer and stop dwelling on stupid shit. I have a GREAT family, a great boyfriend who I love living in sin with [even if it means more time of not being engaged], great friends – for the most part. I have a good job that I enjoy coming to, I love my little beach house, and I have the entire future to be miserable. This birthday is not going to be the death of me.

leaving on an amtrak train...

off to the "ocean state" of rhode island in a little less than an hour...

wait, why do they call it the ocean state? i must get to the bottom of this.

off to see a wedding, drink secretly in a bathroom stall, have quiet sex in D's parents house, see newport, go on a sunset boat tour, try and see if i hear any secret talk of engagement rings and hometown jewelers, eating a lot, drinking even more, long train rides, more then a few arguments im sure, and all around a great time away from work.

details to follow monday on this ludicrous wedding affair!

binge

Another great weekend in good old jersey. Fabulous beach weather, and I spent both days enjoying it to the fullest. I got a bit burned yesterday, but not to the point of ridiculousness, which is nice. By this morning it had turned into tan, which will last on me about 3 days. I don’t know why I bother. I hope that I am not doing some sort of awful injustice to my delicate skin that I will be kicking myself over in 20 years. I’m sure I will. I’ll just say that it was worth it.

Had a wedding Friday night, which was a great time. I love getting dressed up with D – and it puts him in that “oooh wedding” frame of mind, especially when it’s a friend of his – and he can just plainly see how happy the groom was. Lots of food, lotssss of drinks and no dancing [bummed], but overall a really great time.

We are heading out to RI this week – on Wednesday for a wedding that D is in. Our final wedding for the upcoming months. Thank god! Neither of us are too excited about it, as the couple is really strange and the wedding/reception is likely to be a very weird event. First of all, there is no alcohol at the reception. Yes, nothing. Not a cash bar, nothing. I think there is a bar in the location itself, but it isn’t like “a part” of the wedding. So we will both be packing a flask, and praying it isn’t as bad as we are thinking it’s going to be.

My biggest issue now is my weight. I’ve really let it go and I think the only reason it looks “okay” is because I have a bit of a tan, which we all know hides some imperfections. I weighed myself this morning and I am at an APPALLING 140 pounds. That’s a lot for me – and only like 4 pounds away from being ‘overweight’ by doctors standards for my height. I don’t want to be that person and I need to try so much harder. It’s so hard when D can eat whatever he wants, and does – and then I am supposed to not partake in any of it. I want snacks and junk – probably just as much as I want to lose weight. It doesn’t work like that. I haven’t been to the gym for the whole month of july yet, and that’s unacceptable. “it’s hot” is not a good reason. After this wedding coming up this week I will be heading back to the gym. I’d like to lose 5 pounds by my birthday, which is in 17 days. I figure if I don’t eat carbs, sweets or alcohol this week (until Friday for our Newport adventure) then that will be a good start. I’ll allow Friday & Saturday morning for indulgence, and then get back to it. I’m soft, starting to feel full of cellulite, and flabby. It’s unattractive. But seeing the scale this morning put me right in my place. I will be happy with 130 pounds. I would be happier with 125 or 128. but I know I can’t kill myself and I do also have to enjoy life, instead of being miserable and “not allowing” anything. That’s no fun – and that’s when I BINGE so bad. I can’t keep making excuses. I don’t want to talk about it with everyone, especially D. He tries to help, but it normally tends to come out like “wow, you shouldn’t be eating that, huh?” [aka, in a girls mind “you. are. fat.”] which always gets me going and then I want to eat it just to be like fuck off – I’ll do what I want. Which he then says ‘I’m only trying to help & encourage you because I see how down you get about it’. I only see the bad side which is him thinking I really could stand to lose those extra lbs. Don’t get me into that whole thing – it is a slippery slope my friends.

Another thing that is weighing on my mind is my birthday. I’ve never been a big “celebrator” of my birthday only because it’s in the middle of the summer and I feel like everyone is always so busy & split up that nothing good (like a big party) can ever come of it. I never put any effort into it b/c I don’t want to be disappointed when no one shows up and makes me feel like maybe I don’t have friends after all. This year I am taking a very relaxed approach. Plan something casual and whoever shows up, shows up and I’ll have fun with them. If its just me, D and my parents – that’s fine with me.

I hate the fact that C and I have drifted into a ‘non-friendship’ zone. I think it’s just the time of year or whatever she’s going through, but we haven’t spoken in WEEKS, besides a random email or something. I call her – and no call back. She calls me at the WORST times, knowing that I can’t talk. And I’ve gotten to the point where I have NO desire to talk to her, we are SO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. She’s going down a good path for her – in PR, with that whole “glamorous” world of stuck-up, self-indulgent, low self-esteem people…. People who I have nothing in common with. I like my life, I like my job, I like living in Jersey for now, and I don’t like feeling like it is “less” than anything else. I don’t like hiding that I am happy b/c she has nothing to talk about also (it’s always been that way). She’s always been one that doesn’t do a very good job of hiding the fact that she is unhappy that someone else has good fortune. I’ve been noticing this as people we know have been getting married or engaged. I say “oh that’s so exciting for them! Yay”, etc etc and she replies “I can’t believe it… we’re so young, that’s so gay” (aka WHY NOT ME). I told D the other night at dinner that I don’t even want to share the news with her whenever we get engaged b/c I know im going to hear the ‘disappointment’ in her voice – the type that’s like “wow im excited for you, but why not me” I know I’ve talked about this before, but I guess it’s weighing on me. I’m fully prepared to tell her off if I hear that bullshit in her voice. And once and for all kind of get it out there that the happiest time in my life should be met with the biggest and best GENUINE enthusiasm, not “wow, im not at that point yet – that makes me a loser and now im depressed b/c youre happy”. That’s not fair to me. D’s response when I spilled all this – “well its fine…. We’ll just call her last”. I love him.

glass half-full?

Well I have been slacking, I have been thinking daily about writing, and what I would write about but I never get around to it. Procrastination is the key to all things in my life and god it is a pain in the ass.
But im finally here, and maybe will even have some topics to discuss.
And I want to write more frequently. Really, I do. Don’t take my lack of attention to be anything more than just my laziness.

So what’s up with me……..

Well summer has been summer. Nice and relaxing. Many days spent at the beach, which is great. I want to be able to look back at this apartment one day and say that we did take advantage of it to its fullest potential – by swimming at night after work, and enjoying long days at the beach and tiki bar, and having people over to the beach. Its just such a great area, and I don’t want to ever look back with regret “oh we should have done this more…”
Work has been slow for a bit, which makes most days kind of unbearable. I know its just the time of year and things slow down, but god it can be awful. There really is only so much time you can ‘look busy’ during the day when all you want to do is nap or go home……. Anything to pass time. I just hope that there will be enough to get me through the summer, I hate when I start having those feelings or wishing I was doing something else. Not that I have ANY direction what-so-ever…… but it’s still fun to think about sometimes.

Wow im boring. No wonder I haven’t written in a while. I bore myself.

So really the big thing on my mind is the possible engagement. Mine, of course.

I hate to say that I have been thinking a lot about it……. But I have. My birthday is in only a few short weeks, and I hate that my mind is so focused on the idea that maybe.. just maybe it will happen that wonderful Thursday morning.

He has been playing kind of coy – and acting like nothing is up. He went home this past weekend where through my past snooping [cleaning] I had found a card for a jeweler in his hometown. He went there without me, the last time before my birthday that he’ll be there without me. I have this whole scenario built in my head of what I wish the day could be like and that it actually would be that day, etc… when I really don’t know that. We talked about engagement in like November and he said something about my birthday – which has just stuck in my craw since then [of course, duh I’m a girl]… it’s only natural. There have been many little things that I am either reading into or that are actual signs. When I said something about engagement or something in passing literally 2 seconds later he goes “so, what do you want for your birthday”. We weren’t even on the topic. He says he’s been having an upset stomach lately, especially while he was home and “doesn’t know why”… aka nerves. I don’t know – this is all probably a figment of my imagination and even writing about this is making me feel like I’m jinxing it. I don’t want to talk about it with ANYONE, I barely even let myself think about it too much. I’m at a cross between really excited and really nervous and “how will he do it” “what will he say” “what will he say to my parents?” “has he asked them yet” etc etc etc. and normally, the one person I could go to to talk about this stuff with [C] is just not someone I can share anything with anymore. She has turned into another person and our friendship is most certainly suffering. I mean I have felt for years that we are going in different directions – and she is going to be that eccentric “auntie” that comes to visit with her big blonde hair and boobs and clothes that are very inappropriate for a 40 year old [who still thinks she looks great] ……….. I’m getting side-tracked.

Anyway, I just can’t call her up and discuss this excitement anymore. b/c she won’t be happy. I will be able to hear the fake ‘happiness’ in her voice, where she will promptly hang up and call EVERYONE she knows to tell them, and bitch ‘why isn’t it me'??!?!?!? it’s always been this way, and I don’t see it stopping any time soon. I know that she will be slightly happy, in the way that best friends since 14 have to be, but she will still simmer with the thoughts of “why not ME?” and it will taint it every so slightly.

She is taken a turn for the more snobby in the past few months, and looks down her nose at people who aren’t doing what she is doing [myself included, although I know she would NEVER admit that]. Saying things like “ugh, they’re going to live in New Jersey FOR-EV-ER” as if it was the worst thing on earth. Now I am not a proponent for New Jersey but I am having a pretty good life right now and at the moment don’t really feel this overwhelming need to move to the city or anything CLOSE to that. I let those comments slide. The ones that sound more like “wow I was having a crisis… I was looking for jobs… in NEW JERSEY” to which I say “you do know I work in new jersey right??” and it’s the “oh not you honey – of course not”…. RIIIIIIIGHT. You freaking bitch.

So instead of sharing my inner giddy happiness I’m going to keep it to myself.

Especially for the small percentage of me that believes once I tell someone I really feel its going to happen, it wont.

100 things... back in action

since i've been gone for nearly 2.5 weeks now......... im BACK.

did you miss me?

my computer was down at work... and we all know thats where i do my best blog-thinking. inspiring it is!

so to appease anyone who happens upon me, here is my 'mandatory' list of 100 things...

1. I love making lists
2. I take my coffee black, with 2 sweet & lo
3. Milk makes me fart
4. I had a hernia operation when I was 12
5. My favorite grandparents died & the 2 I have left don’t really “count” to me
6. I still just can’t justify buying a pair of jeans worth over 100 bucks
7. I spend 95% of time procrastinating at work & 5% doing work that makes my boss think I am a good worker.
8. I really hate the smell of fire
9. I always wanted a Volvo station wagon when I was little
10. I really hate cats, I can’t trust them & I think I am a little scared of them
11. I think its strange when people insist on backing into parking spots every day
12. I’ve worn glasses since I was 8
13. I used to suck my thumb FOREVER and it caused me to get braces
14. I still sucked my thumb after I got them (age 11)
15. I was born in Plainfield NJ and I still have no idea where the hospital is
16. I have voted in every election since we were able to vote, except the last one – and I felt guilty.
17. I love singing around the house in a voice that sounds like Cher.
18. I think Barry Manilow is terrifying
19. I would probably eat an everything bagel w/ Cream Cheese every day for the rest of my life if it wasn’t so “unhealthy”
20. I really love the unusual color of my eyes
21. I’ve never been to Vegas and I wonder if I’ll be able to go when I’m young enough to get crazy & enjoy it to the fullest.
22. I have a weird “thing” for old men – I think grandpas are so cute
23. Sometimes I think there is a gay man trapped inside me. I love musicals.
24. I am really scared to get lasik eye surgery… and even more afraid that my eyes would just go back to the way they were after a $4000 procedure
25. I tell stories with a lot of detail so the person can feel just what I was feeling when it happened
26. I love going to the movies and a great present would be unlimited movies for a year
27. I like when songs “touch me” and I feel like they were written for my situation
28. I was always horrible at math – and I still have problems doing simple stuff and it makes me self-conscious
29. I believe in karma big time and there are a few people who are getting exactly what they deserve
30. I also believe in the 3 second rule. Especially if no one is looking.
31. I’ve never gotten a speeding ticket in my life. I’ve only been pulled over once and I got out of it. [knock on wood]
32. No one ever pronounces my first or last name right and I really hate that.
33. My birthstone is “peridot” and I think its ugly
34. I am a complete hypochondriac and I always think I’m pregnant.
35. I have a really sick sense of smell
36. My dad used to ride motorcycles. I still think he is the BOMB
37. My grandmother was a twin and I secretly hope that if and when I ever get pregnant, I have twins too
38. I am very paranoid about my underarm odor.
39. I have the strongest desire to move to California, and I’ve never been there yet.
40. I always have the craziest red eye in pictures.
41. I really feel BAD for Britney spears & her life on a weird level.
42. I am in credit card debt.
43. I genuinely feel that being nauseous is the WORST feeling on earth.
44. I hate feeling guilty, but somehow always feel guilty about something
45. I randomly have thoughts of accidentally cutting my fingers off while cooking – at least once a day. I think its why I hate cooking so much
46. My mom made my Halloween costume for me every year for like 10 years
47. I was Dorothy in Kindergarten and she was the wicked witch.
48. I have no brothers or sisters and I am afraid to ask why not
49. My parents don’t know I went skydiving 2 times
50. Sometimes when I think of my life & situations I narrate it like I’m in a book.
51. Whenever I don’t feel good, I always want to eat Velveeta.
52. I hate making small talk with my co-workers
53. I am right-handed and I don’t write “normally” – I rest it on the ring finger & it leaves a bump
54. I hate when people who have really nappy curly hair try to straighten it – IT DOESN’T LOOK GOOD, be curly & be proud of it!
55. I think if heaven is like “What dreams may come” then it’s not so scary. I just really hope when I get there, the people that have left me will recognize me as an old lady. [if i get to be old!]
56. I really want to go on a cruise & play that scavenger hunt game
57. I shave my armpits every time I’m in the shower b/c I never want to have hairy pits
58. My biggest fear is someone breaking into my apartment when I’m there – and not being able to defend myself or get out safely
59. I have to fall asleep with one foot outside of the covers or I’ll never go to bed
60. When I was little my mom had to cut off the feet in feetie pajamas b/c they made me too hot
61. I have the craziest dreams ever & I almost always remember every detail
62. I believe the scariest place on earth is the dentists chair
63. I HATEEEE turtlenecks in any way shape or form, especially on me, and men.
64. I know all of the words to Mary Poppins, Wizard of Oz and White Christmas
65. I could become addicted to prescription medicine if I had a supply
66. I used to LOVE putting together jigsaw puzzles with my mom and dad during the winter
67. I vow to never drive a minivan, wear mom jeans, get a short mom haircut, or have a soccer ball “broken glass” sticker on my car
68. I hate when people make fun of me for being blonde or “young”
69. I think every celebrity in Hollywood is gay [legitimately]
70. I wish Paris Hilton would fall off the face of the earth
71. I would love to be on the game show “Family Feud”
72. Sometimes I wish my car was a demolition car and I could crash people off the road and then drive along with no problem
73. I had 4 permanent teeth pulled when I was 9 to make room for braces, etc.
74. Once, when I was babysitting at like age 12, I thought about shaking the damn baby to get her to shut up. I still feel bad about thinking that.
75. I used to watch porn at my Aunt & uncles house when I babysat in 8th grade
76. I really hate my dad’s brother and I wish he wasn’t a part of our family
77. I was in a spelling bee in like 4th grade and I was so proud even though I didn’t win
78. I’m scared that I’m never gonna find what it is I’m “meant” for – and my life will just be ordinary, typical, boring
79. If no one cared, I would take a one hour nap at work every single day
80. I hate when people take themselves too seriously: ex. Never smiling in pictures but only giving the “I’m so hot” side face pose
81. I am really scared of global warming & the effects its having on the earth, weather, animals, people, climates
82. I CANNOT imagine a life without my mom or dad
83. If I could go back & do it all again, I would be a teacher
84. I'm starting to feel more comfortable growing up and being more "adult"
85. Im not scared at all anymore of getting engaged and I am actually really looking forward to it
86. I fluctuate between thinking im "okay" with my weight and wanting to never eat again/work out every day
87. I think i had a drug problem my senior year of college, sort of
88. And i definitely think if i had connections [and money] i'd fall right back into it
89. I'm not cut out for the corporate world
90. I'm too emotional and things bother me really easily, no matter what i do to try & stop it
91. A lot of times i think im addicted to food. i wonder what it is that im eating to "cover up"
92. I really love Christmas songs... and im glad i can listen again after getting over some sad memories that go along with that time of year
93. I have good taste in clothes, but no money to spend on anything
94. I love thunder & lightning
95. I watch Food Network more than anything else on TV
96. We're going to have a destination wedding one day
97. I can't find a bra that fits, feels good and looks good
98. A very naughty secret: im scared i wont like the ring that i receive b/c i secretly feel he has bad taste in jewelry
99. i rarely answer the phone, i dont like talking on it and i dont like returning phone calls.
100. I have a nervous stomach

ta da. enjoy.

being selfish

is it bad that i am jealous of everyone else getting engaged? its not so much that i am particularly in a rush b/c BELIEVE ME - im not!! the idea of making budgets, asking for money, making joint decisions on things that will NOT come easy, deciding on locations, guests, dates, colors, dresses, bridal party - ALL OF THAT - does not sound very fun to me.

but i guess just for the 'pretty jewelry' factor, i can't help but be a little annoyed.

i know im being irrational, so dont kill me here. it seems like everyone i know (aka like 25%) is either engaged, married or well on their way. someone else just got engaged on friday - she is 2 years younger than me, and has been dating her bf for 6 months less than me & D. not that these things really matter in the long run, but when someone who dated for 4 years gets engaged it doesnt seem as bad as someone who is clearly on my own playing field.

what would i do if i were to get engaged next weekend? [besides FREAK RIGHT THE F OUT]. i dont know. i mean, its clearly going to happen before 2007 is over.... i think... but ughhhhhhh i dont know i just dont want to see or hear about any more weddings, rings, dresses or crap for a long time.

AHHH!!

UPDATE:
i publish post, go out for lunch.
see creepy ex-boss on side of road.

thankfully i was not spotted.

muahahahahaha he looks like he's driving a nissan sentra or something of the like now. perhaps a kia.

loser.

Creepy Creeperson

Dear Old Boss,

I still think about you and your creepy ways quite often. You have simply diappeared from my life over the last year and a half but for whatever reason it almost feels like you are an ex. I guess in some ways you are.

When i came to you looking for a job, i was coming out (or in the middle) of a very hard time in my life. i lost my best friend in a horrible accident, i quit my first job in new york city, and had an emergency operation. i had no direction and no goals - and all i knew was that being unemployed SUCKED. i needed a job. i interviewed a few places, nothing was very exciting, and when i came to interview with you i felt comfortable. you were unprofessional and i should have seen it from the beginning, i believe you used the work "fuck" in the interview. extremely inappropriate. but i laughed and thought, "wow, this guy could be a cool boss". you were chubby, kind of chipmunk looking, and i didnt feel intimidated by you. i was at ease in my interview, and you liked me. i knew i had the job when i walked out.

i was a bit over-qualified, simply because i had a BRAIN. you called me 2 hours later and offered me the job, and i, of course - being desperate- took it right away. You werent paying much, but my commute was only 10 minutes, and i thought it would work out nicely.

The office was small. you were just starting out and only had 5 employees. i was the youngest and no one really tried to be that nice to me. the one woman there especially took an EXTREME disliking to me. i tried to be nice, and i consider myself to be easy to get along with, but she didnt want anything to do with it. looking back now, it was painfully obvious to see - she USED to be your main attraction, but now that you had me, she was useless to you - and you were MEAN to her. You berated her, called her fat, you were the EPITOME of unprofessional and pretty much everything you said and did bordered on sexual harassment. i am genuinely surprised she didnt do anything about it. but this is coming from a woman who found her husband on an S&M website, KNEW he was having an affair, and did NOTHING about it. tried to get a divorce but backed out 2 minutes before the judge ruled it to be complete. pathetic. The whole scene was pathetic.

As i got more settled, you were more and more 'friendly' with me. You took me to lunch almost daily, paid for everything and many times i felt like we were on dates. im sure everyone else did too, but you were the boss - how was i supposed to say 'no'? that just didnt feel right, so i always went along with it. and besides, it was much more fun leaving the office for 2 hours, bullshitting with you and NOT working. so everyones dislike grew stronger. not that i tried, nor did i care.

You would suggest us doing late night work and would buy BEER while we did it. you hated your wife, your new babies, and everything that they had to offer. you never wanted to go home and would mock your wife for having post-partum depression. Even at this point, i didnt think you were creepy - i just thought we were fast-friends, and it was cool to actually get along with your boss. D hated it and HATED you, but i told him it was fine- and he was over-reacting.

As time grew on, it was apparent that you thought we were more then just co-workers. You texted me after work and on weekends. you were very shady. you made me feel very weird a lot of the time. but again, i was pretty used to it, and thought it was just the way you were. i was naive, and no one was really telling me it was wrong. then again,i kept a lot of that stuff to myself.

Then things started to get really weird.

You had to hire more people, because i did not like the position i was in and i was doing too many jobs and not being able to focus on just one thing. i was not an accountant, but you made me take that role, encouraging that i was smart & i could do it. i knew better. i can barely balance my own checkbook, so how am i supposed to take control of a new company and basically run it? each week i struggled to pay your bills and have enough money in the accounts to take care of everything.

Soon you could tell that things were looking grim, and it was stressing you out. even with the addition of a few new girls, and the old one gone - things were tense. i had no more responsibility, and you slowly took things away from me one by one. you drove me to hate you and your office. i cried in the morning thinking about going to work. you made me so miserable.

suddenly, out of the blue, you would go DAYS without talking to me, no matter what i did. i would come into your office and try to discuss things and you would say "everything was fine" like a 5 year old. you were stubborn, immature and a horrible boss. i started hating you.

you started taking away rights on my computer. you took away programs. you blocked everything on me. and when i confronted you, you told me that you "didnt know what i was talking about". you were a baby. and i hated you even more.

Many days during this hard time it took all the strength i had not to fall apart in tears at work. i was like a little girl, calling my mom for support before i lost it and told you how much of a raging dickhead you were. but i held my ground, and started searching for jobs.

I found one. It was close by, but it was a big place. I had a good feeling about it - and i knew it had potential. I didnt think the new boss would be as creepy as you had been and i took it. I gave you my 2 weeks and you told me to GET OUT immediately. so, thankfully, being the smart girl that i am, i had packed all my shit earlier in the week. I left my key and never spoke to you again.


I work nearby, and always wonder when i'll run into you. It seems like when we were in our "glory days" we were always out and about. at the bank, the grocery store, everywhere. now it's like you've dropped off the face of the earth. i dont see you at the bank that we share. i dont see you driving around in your big truck (although every truck i see i turn to see if its you. it hasnt been). i drive by your office on my way to do errands, and some days i see your car there, but still, no sighting of you mr. creepy. i wonder how our interaction will be once we finally do see each other. i will be genuinely surprised if you are still married, and if you havent buried yourself into a hole in your business venture. i still keep in touch with one co-worker, and he gives me a little gossip here and there. i did find out that you LIED and said you saw me at the gym, which is just weird. that we "talked, and i looked great/was great". what's THAT about?? really, does it make you feel better to lie? you were probably the most pathetic adolescent [and adult for that matter] and having a girl like myself pay attention to you probably felt so rewarding. but all you did was make me feel awful.

thank god that part of my life is over, and i can move on and have a healthy work environment now. i enjoy where im at, i like my boss - and we get along. granted, i still get scared that its going to turn into creepy territory but thankfully so far ive found that you were in a league of your own. Good luck, dirtbag.

posture problems

I do this weird thing when I sit. It’s because I’m really self-conscious of my stomach, and I think it makes me feel better (both in my head and physically). I sit with my gut, like the middle part right at the belly button, jammed up against whatever desk/counterspace/hard surface I am at. So it forces me to have good posture, and for whatever reason I think it pushes in the belly that has just been forming consistently since I graduated college. It’s weird really, and after a while it kind of hurts – both my back and my stomach, but I cannot stop doing it. Whenever I’m at my parents house I stand like that in their kitchen at the counter, and even more so here at work. I’m so self-conscious of it. I cannot get rid of this belly no matter how toned/in shape I am. Its always a bit bulbous and bigger that I would like – as if every single thing I eat goes RIGHT there. My legs are hot, my arms are skinny(ish) and my butt isn’t too wide/jiggly – its just really small and non-existent. So unfortunately it just seems like my cross to bear to have a wiggly jello belly because the other stuff is so easy to get into shape. It just doesn’t seem fair. but i guess that means i just have to go work harder at the gym..

peer pressure

The past few weeks have been all self-discovery on my part I think. Becoming more aware of myself, and what I can and cannot do and how I feel about those things. I think when you’re younger the stupid little stuff bothers you more – like how you are judged by your peers for doing or not doing something. Right now I’m at a place where that stuff is slowly starting to matter less and less.

Recently the following discoveries have occurred:

Binge drinking no longer agrees with my body. I’m not as resilient any more, and my body HATES me the next day, for at LEAST 5 hours. It almost always makes me vomit. Most of the time, violently. I am useless. I eat like shit after it’s over and any of the ‘hard work’ I’ve put in during the week is just gone to shit. I’m done with that.

I am perfectly okay with not being a ‘social butterfly’. I don’t need to go out all the time. I don’t have to get wasted and get bruises and not remember my night to say I had fun. I can go out for a few beers, chat with D, go home and watch bad TV and wear my fave T-shirt to say it was a good night.

I like hanging out with my family. Most of the time, I like them more than 99% of my friends. [okay, all of the time]

I have a serious live-in boyfriend who probably sooner rather than later will turn into my “fiancé”. Yes, it’s very scary, but I am very ready for that.

I have to work out every week and eat right or my clothes will start getting tight and I will be flabby. It happens in an instant, making the rest of my life annoying. I will never get away with ‘cheat days/weeks’ because it will always end up in self-loathing. Especially in the week before my period. Forget it. I’m a fat whale who can’t stop eating no matter how hard I try. This will continue to be the cycle for the next 30 years. Awesome.

Also, on that same track – I will never be a super thin girl. I will never look like me circa 2000 [aka no body, no boobs, no curves], but I CAN be a better version of the woman in me now. I will probably never be 125 lbs again, but that’s also fine. It could always be worse. Turn on TLC at pretty much any time during the day and you’ll see some program about a person with a STOMACH bigger than my body. One show titled “I eat 30,000 calories a day” put things all in perspective.

As witty as I think I am, once it gets down to it, my blog never seems as interesting as all of the others I read. I want to put more time & energy into it.

I am scared I will always have a high credit card.

I really want to travel, and SEVERELY want to live somewhere else [preferably somewhere warm, with nice people]. If for nothing else than to say that I did, and to truly appreciate New Jersey and home. Right now I have no appreciation for the area except that I am close to my family – and that is important to me. I do worry that if/when we move, I will be so homesick it might have been a mistake. But I want to know that for sure. Otherwise I have that “what-if” feeling.

I still have no clue what I want to be “when I grow up”. I’m scared that I may never know – and spend my whole life going to different variations of a job, like my mom. And hating them all. I wish I was driven toward something, but in actuality – nothing inspires me.



Also, I believe I am going to start making smoothies in the morning before work for D and me. I want to feel healthy. I will not include ice cream or heavy cream or milk as my sensitive tummy cannot handle it. I will sneak in some wheat germ or something else - and they will be super tasty and I can hardly wait till my next trip to the grocery store!!! I’m stocking up on recipe possibilities now

That is all. I am going to start making updates as daily as I can be. Does that even make sense??

AARP here i come

Well it’s been a not-so-exciting weekend, in the way of not binge drinking/eating like shit/staying up too late/being dirty for days - type excitement. I’m over that. I’ve decided. I like to have fun. But I don’t need to be the me of college anymore. And that fact I am PERFECTLY okay with. I am only just coming to terms with it, so that’s why it’s being brought up again – gimme a month or so. One would think that after a bit over a year of living with D & being ‘grown-ups’ and all, I would know that I was mature. But nope, still thought I had that in me. But another weekend goes by where I was perfectly content doing just what I did – aka being asleep by 12 all 3 nights!!

Friday night was boring, got out of work, cleaned the apartment, went to dinner, drank myself into a nice buzz… then came home, read my US weekly, and went to bed. D’s brother was in town and BOR-RING so I took some time for ME J

Saturday I spent the majority of the time at the beach…….which was PERFECT. The weather was gorgeous and I barely got burned, which is a HUGE feat for my pale skin. The freckles are out in full force and I, for one, find them to be very cute. Thankfully D is also on this boat and loves the freckly side of me. Saturday night we grilled, hung out, and of course – fell asleep early. Again, it felt good.

Sunday was another beach day. Started off iffy, and kind of overcast, but really turned out to be great. Sat out from 12- 4, and just enjoyed the day. A few of our friends were down and we headed out to a bar down the street for some dinner and drinks. After a few hours of that it lost its appeal and we headed home to pass out again!!

Monday we went up to my parents house to spend some QT with them, just hangin out, BS’ing, lots of food and drink and good times. I hadn’t seen them in what felt like forever [which was actually just 2 weeks], so it was fun. Came back home and showered and [tried to] pass out. I guess all those nights of early sleep caught up with us and we both tossed and turned for at least an hour and a half. The AC was on but D was sweating, which then made me sweat, and we couldn’t do the nighttime snuggle routine and it just threw me all out of whack. Wow I sound like a tool with that last statement.

Moving on.

I really want to go to the movies. I just can never convince D to see the things I want to see and lord knows I don’t want to see Pirates of the Caribbean or whatever.

We got our bikes cleaned up and hopefully we can reinstate the after work bike rides we used to take. Maybe we can ride somewhere awesome, have a picnic dinner and enjoy the summer nights. I loooooooove those. It is SOO nice to live right by the ocean. I hope I don’t start to take it for granted. I do know I’m getting bored and I need some sort of excitement/change. I want to live somewhere else. Unfortunately we are in our current spot till April 2008. I thought about us moving to Hoboken in April once this lease is up, but it probably isn’t going to work out. With D’s job the way it is, he isn’t going to want to move farther away… since we are so perfectly located where we are for both our jobs, it IS silly to move. But it’s also annoying to live in an apt that causes so much anxiety & annoyance. I want to be able to paint stuff. And more permanently decorate. And just change some crap, but we can’t. who knows where the next 10 months will take us… maybe we’ll move to Nebraska or something hahahahaha, no.

Yee-haw.

mushy gushy lovey dovey. (sorry)

You know when you have come to a conclusion about something and it just kinda takes you a minute to digest it? I think I’m finally there… on about 3 levels.

One, being that I am officially an “adult”. Not that I didn’t know this before, I mean I live on my own, pay all my own bills, have a 8-5 job, not in too much debt [let’s not go there again], I am reliable, self-sufficient, and mature. BUT I still like to have a good time. Not that being an adult and NOT having fun go hand in hand or anything, but it’s not on the same level.

This past weekend I went down to Maryland for the Preakness race. I’ve always wanted to go, thinking it looked like SO much fun, a full day of outdoor day drinking, people being crazy, etc. Last year I couldn’t go for whatever reason, but this year I made sure that I WAS going, and nothing was going to stop me. I even told D that I didn’t want him to come, b/c I didn’t want to be the girl with the live-in boyfriend that has to go everywhere with her. Obv, I didn’t say it in those words – but more or less that’s what it came down to. I didn’t want to be babysat the whole time and then be made to feel awful when I did something “wrong”. God was I the one who was wrong. I missed him more than ANYTHING starting from the minute we said goodbye. I wanted him to be there for all the fun, I knew he’d have a great time and it just didn’t seem right without my partner in crime. He really is my BEST friend in the world and I realized that I don’t want to spend moments without him being a part of it.

So my realization was not only that I, a) cannot drink for more than 12 hours straight without feeling like curling into the fetal position and sleeping for a LONG period of time [which I did] and b) that I have never been more ready to commit to D then I am right NOW. I am not a little kid anymore. I am in love -- Serious, full-on, you rock my world and make me happier then anything and I can’t wait to share all the wonderful/crazy/trying times that we have ahead of us – love. Its GREAT. I don’t know why it happened, but waking up Sunday morning in that dirty hotel room in MD, I could only think of going home to him and feeling safe, happy & loved.

Call me stupid, crazy, whatever… but when you know, you know.

I just hope he knows as much as I do. [I’m pretty sure he does]

Speaking of that…. I snooped a little. Nothing big. But I was cleaning the other weekend and I found ‘paperwork’-- printed out rings that I had said I liked. And a business card of a jeweler in his hometown. And on the paper were some sketches too. So it looks like things might be in play…. And that makes me SOOO EXCITED. Like I said, I’m crazy and these type of things are all I can think about lately.

But what scares me is the thought of what would come next. Everyone we know that’s gotten engaged lately promptly goes out and buys something together. I mean within WEEKS. People have all this money saved up, like thousands and thousands… and this is AFTER the big purchase of the ring. Granted, every single person we know that has gotten married/engaged was living at home until that time – just banking all the money they were making. D & I have been living together for over a year, not saving anything. Call us stupid but I didn’t want to be without him and live at home anymore. I just wanted it to be me & him against the world… and looks like we got what we wanted. Clearly we’re not going to be able to put a down payment on anything anytime soon. We’re not going to be able to finance a whole home, furniture, mortgage, taxes, lawn care, yada yada yada…. So we’re fine with renting. Buying is so over-rated. [we keep telling ourselves that]. I just want an inheritance. But whatever we’re making it work for us and like I always try to say – and believe – EVERYONE is different, no 2 couples should have to travel down the same path, and I cant let other peoples good fortune and different choices make me feel like my path isn’t the right one. It is the right one for US, and that’s what matters. When the time comes to own a house, we will.

So really, I am okay with not being a “kid” anymore. I don’t want to be. I love my life, I love sharing my moments with someone who thinks the world of me, who listens [most of the time] when I tell another dumb story, who knows what I mean when I complain about work/food/friends/health/relationships, who cooks for me, who tries his best to take care of me, who makes me feel like I HAVE been waiting all this time to realize it IS true – we are meant to be together, and he knew it from day one.

THIS part of being an adult is OKAY with me :o)

im a big girl

First Topic:
LAUNDRY

i've made a mid-year "new years resolution".

i'm making sure that when i take clothes off, i keep them right-side out.

Now, to the normal person that might not seem like that big of a deal, but to me it is the worst. whenever laundry day comes i spend an extra 5 minutes or more turning things right-side out so that drying isnt a whole production in itself. because by the time that annoying as hell buzzer goes off, i want nothing more than to shove the clothes in the drawers and go on with my day.

Socks - always inside out. Shirts, i rip it off like a 5 year old ready to run to the next toy without thinking. pants tend to be the ONLY thing that is not inside out. my sports bras are the only things exempt from this rule, b/c most times they are drenched in sweat and nauseating to spend too much time turning right-side out, etc.

So i am making a real effort these days. a small step in the grand scheme of things, but large when it comes to efficient laundry doing.


Next topic:
DEBT.

I am in debt.
i dont like to say it. i dont even like to think how i've gotten here [think: moving out, not budgeting well enough, and when it comes to things i "need", but dont have the cash for asap - i charge it. awesome moves]. which really just ends up getting worse each month - b/c as the bill gets higher (i consolidated my 2 big cards into one), i want to pay more to make it go away... thus making the cycle worse. more money going to the card means more money out of my bank account, etc etc etc.
BUT i have finally accepted my fate. I am discontinuing use on my big card, and vowing to make a plan to pay it off in a matter of months. I MUST DO THIS. D made it clear that when "our accounts merge" (isnt he romantic), he doesnt want to take on loads of my debt. which is completely true - and not fair to him. i wouldnt want HIS debt, that's for sure.... so i have to make every effort i can to eliminate the problem. Thankfully my 2 BIG wedding commitments are DONE GONE FINISHED and now i have to pay-off my parents also. CRAP, forgot about that. im sure they will bring down my total cost, b/c they know how broke i am and they dont really need the money - but i told them i didnt just WANT the money, i wanted to pay back. so hopefully they will cut me a break, and i will slowly pay that off too.
I also bought a Suze Orman book "Women and Money". I plan to start reading it tonight, and really get into it. She has some sort of 5 month plan - which would take me to October, and that would be awesome to be at a much more debt-free zone in October. I wonder if i'll get engaged in that time period. wow it seems so far but not really that far at all...... ahhhhhhhhh im getting freaked out again but freaked out in the good excited way.

so thats my plan... my big girl plan. take control of my laundry and my debt. one step at a time.


So to come full circle.... i really want to go on a shopping spree.
i want like 10 pairs of shoes, 2 bathing suits, and a ton of new summer clothes. but that DOES NOT fit into the new & improved me. shoot.


also - D is getting a raise at work again :)
i am so proud of him. sometimes i think that he is a little forward/too aggressive and obvious when it comes to trying to get what he thinks he deserves, but in this role it has done him nothing but good. the people at work seem to really like him - he gets lots of praise and i think this will be his 3rd raise in 18months. which is awesome. he's also started his own business with a friend - and while it is still in its newborn phase, it shows a lot of potential - and they really could do well for themselves if they play their cards right, invest a little money and get the name out there. maybe then i can manage that business for him and quit any other job and be a part time lady of leisure. damn that would be awesome. great, now im day-dreaming at work.

Had a dream i was fired from work last night - and it was a BIG scene. i think i was feeling guilty about the "access denied" things i was getting from looking at blogs yesterday and seeing that they are "monitoring me". i dont like the sounds of that. i am a good worker, but i need to scatter my tasks throughout the day or else i will be done in like 1 hour..... and then it will be really BAD. i really wish i knew what direction i should be going in life. not that i am unhappy here - AT ALL - i really am, and i am not even thinking about another path right now [which is a good feeling] but it still doesnt feel like ME, like where i am supposed to be. its a nice place, a nice office and the people are nice enough - but i dont know. sometimes i just feel like i am all on my own here and i can go for hours and hours and hours w/o even TALKING to anyone...........

oh well.

gotta get back to 'being busy'
[or looking it]

more to come as my debt hopefully lowers itself.

dont bother

well, i've made it. its 2:30 on friday and i am starving.... but i've made it. i stopped shoving my face full of junk for 5 days. no junk food, no sandwiches, no chips, no soda, no alcohol, no sweets. NO FUN.

but i did it!!! and the SICK part is - i think i actually trained myself to not want food as bad this week. i mean, yeah i was daydreaming and drooling pretty much all the time, but i knew i didnt need it....

ANYWAY sick of that subject. sick sick sick sick sick

3 more hours at work and not a damn thing to do. its pretty outside now too, which makes sitting here so much more unbearable. im awfully tired. maybe coffee will help...

this is a boring post. im bored just writing it.

going batty

so i head into day 3 of crazy, ridiculous no-holds-barred dieting.... and im feeling pretty good. pretty confident, and no major slip-ups, save that piece of chocolate i had after dinner last night.... but COME ON.. im PMS'ing and NEED THAT CHOCOLATE. i think ive been doing pretty well considering what time of month it is, and what kind of eater i normally am. but i have the ultimate motivator, the DRESS. it was tight. and not even tight around my gut, tight around my BOOBS. seriously. who would have ever thought that my boobs would make something not fit right?? certainly not me, thats for sure. so i am out today to go buy some midol or pamprin. i want something to reduce the bloating, if that is even at all possible. im running out of options here people, the wedding is SATURDAY! and its WEDNESDAY!! ahhhhh. whatever it is very very very past the point of "looking good" - it is all about comfort at this point. serious, total and complete comfort. i do not want to spend 12 hours wearing an ugly dress that hurts, makes me miss out on all the delicious food-stuffs goin around and most importantly, DRINKING. the last wedding was a disaster in this respect - as i barely had any of the bacon wrapped shrimp, or cheese plate or meatballs or ANY OF IT..... no dinner, no dessert. i was smart, saved it all for vodka & tonic :)

so its another gorgeous day here in the fabulous state of NJ, and it makes me happy ! ill go out at lunch for errands and basically just to have time away from my desk - which i thank god for every damn day. things are slow right now, which makes time DRAG - especially when all i want to do is eat, and boredom = hunger. but really, im impressed with myself and with the right attitude i can make it happen. i sometimes wish i always had to fit into some stupid dress.

speaking of dresses, i will NOT do this to myself as the bride in my own wedding. i want a flowy sun-dress type deal, none of this skin tight satin with 1 billion buttons up the back.... HELL NO. i want to be comfortable... MY way.

thank god for all these people having weddings before me, so that i can determine what sucks & what is cool.

here are some things that arent cool:

- people who can't smile in pictures b/c they think they look 'sexy' otherwise
- waking up too early int he morning & not being able to fall back asleep
- diets
- mean attitudes
- uncomfortable shoes
- ugly dresses
- pickles
- working during the summer
- not having enough money to travel when/where i want to
- DEBT
- traffic, accidents, bad drivers
- monday mornings at 8am
- not being able to wear cute clothes b/c im very critical
- hell, not being able to BUY cute clothes
- people who talk too much about themselves but never ask how you are
- when you compliment others but never receive compliments in return
- not having the ability to concentrate
- thinking that stretch pants looks cute on everyone, knowing i would never do that
- this list.

grrrrr.

another gorgeous day here in the northeast, thank god it seems that spring is here to stay - and NO MORE cold weather, no more awful-ness. i am still weary, until we get a full week of nice-ness. :)

i, on the other hand, am not feeling so nice. have a wedding this weekend that i am a bridesmaid in, and unfortunately the dress is VERY snug. making this week even MORE important for dieting, working out and not drinking during the week. unfortunately, a side effect of this ill-fitting dress is one of overindulgence - where i want to give myself everything in LARGE quantities to soothe my feelings. but i know this is wrong, so i will be extra cranky while i eat 2 grapes, 10 coffees and 400 bottles of water while working my ass off at the gym. god dammit. i can't wait to workout for ME and not some stupid unflattering ball gown bridesmaid dress. AGAIN - reason #598437594386 why my wedding will ROCK and my bridesmaid dresses will ROCK and be so totally NOT any of the shit i've gone through in the last year. dont get me wrong, i love my friends - i dont always love their choices in wedding fashion.

oh, and thank god for PMS making me feel even PRETTIERRRRRRRRR this week.... all climaxing probably saturday morning when i go to put on this dress and i really wish i were wearing a muu-muu.

i need to get fresh air now.

cranky-ville. population, 1.

2K7, year of... pretty much the same shit

so my mid-year resolution is to post more. it's good to get things out, i just have to schedule some time and make it happen. not that anyone is looking or reading, but pretty much just for my own enjoyment and a way to look back and see where i've been. sounds logical.

things have been okay all around. D and i got into a HUGE fight the other night, which ended with me in tears - major tears, knowing full well i was wrong. i went PSYCHO, as per usual... and started slapping & freaking out on him. NO idea why. our fights go from snotty comment to annoyed conversation to fight to SCREAMING to hating each other to just letting it go. its like we both push each others buttons without even realizing it and it just keeps happening over and over and over again. and in every fight i feel like my opinion isnt heard or recognized and is wrong, and he feels the same way -- so we have our defenses up from the very beginning. we are both very hard-headed people, and that's not good for things like this. neither of us wants to be the one to "always give in" and i know, like my mom always says - "relationships are give and take - sometimes you give 90% and he gives 10, and sometimes its the other way around" -- and in true mom fashion, thats correct, but its annoying to feel like you are always giving the 90 and getting the 10. when i know full well in my mind thats not true, but that he is also feeling that too. OBVIOUSLY we have a long road ahead of us., but thankfully we're prepared for that. its not like we're gonna get married and suddenly "hey where did you come from you crazy psychopath??". but we made an agreement. if this shit gets out of hand again, things are going to take a MAJOR turn for bad-ville, so i have to keep myself in check. BIG TIME. and im prepared for that.

but now we have to have a "talk" about plans i have coming up, and he wants in on. unfortunately i have been so AMPED to go away for this weekend with my girls that i do not want him getting in on these plans. hes trying to invite himself b/c the thought of me away for a whole weekend makes him CRAZY for some reason. but if it were the other way around and he were going and not me i would find 100 other things to do and say "have fun, see ya sunday" but instead now i have to argue my point of why "having girl time alone" is important to me and my mental health and our relationship and that seperate activities are what make us a good couple, etc etc etc - and instead all he'll hear is "i want to be away from you.... blah blah blah... i dont want you watching what im doing... blah blah blah... there will be a lot of guys around".......... i know this stems from our rocky past in college & my indescretions with cheating on my bf at the time with him.. and i assume he thinks it would be just that easy for me to do that with him. but seriously, 2 years later - trust should NOT still be an issue. and the fact that im all worried into a tizzy right now over the fact that we might fight later about that weekend makes me mad. he should be like "cool, have fun - dont get hurt" instead of "im coming with you." im not wrong to think this way and i know it. they call it a girls weekend for a reason - THERE ARE NO GUYS! especially NOT your live-in boyfriend who will babysit you like youre 5 and say "that's enough ... time for bed"

so hopefully it will go smooth, no screaming match and he will see my side for once in my life without a huge roundabout arguement. that would ROCK.

otherwise, can't complain. work is good... approaching my 1 year here and still happy & not even thinking about looking for anything else, which is a major milestone for me in the work area. it was like 1 year and DONE. sometimes not even a year. i can't imagine that this time last year i was still reeling from my last job and the PSYCHO-NESS that went on there. hallelujah it feels GOOD to be out of there.

but i can't help but wonder where i'll be in another year - not all that much has changed since last may. still living with D, still happy, still driving the same car, still have the same hair [mostly], still working like hell to get those last 5 pounds off, still have the same vices, still have a very small bank account. makes me want to work harder in the next year to change some things. hopefully big stuff is happening in the latter part of 2007. i would really love a change of some massive proportions - something to turn my world around a bit. not that i should really ask for anything like that, only b/c most times when it comes it knocks you on your ass. i think im just bored.

yikes, the concept of marriage is crazy.
i have to go before my brain melts.

lawn chair

so i find it interesting that last night in the middle of the night i had an AWFUL dream. now i tend to have lots of dreams, but they tend to just be WEIRD and long and all over the place. i can appreciate a good dream sequence on TV b/c most of the time, it looks like what is happening inside my head. and more often than not, i remember 99% of them, much to the annoyance of whoever wakes up with me. i insist on telling the WHOOOLE story, for whatever reason. but they just feel so damn real that i need to share.

anyhoo,....
last night i had a BAD one. and just now thinking of it, it piqued my interest.

i was out somewhere, with a large group of people at what seemed to be some sort of sporting event, b/c i was in a lawn chair watching a group of people do 'something' [its unclear]. i do know that someone i went to college with and was affiliated in my last relationship [and im not that fond of him] was there doing something in this event. it seems as if out of no where the water was rising, and suddenly im watching this event in my chair in the water. i seem to be floating, or somehow staying with my head above water - and i feel comfortable about this, not panicked like i would be in real life, obviously. next thing i know im not doing so well with floating and i seem to be sinking. but my ring (that i wear every day on my pointer finger) is holding me to the chair and its just caught by one little egde- and so i cant paddle with all of my strength, so i keep sinking faster & faster, trying to yell and everyone is still going on with their sporting event w/o a care in the world.

at this point i SIT UP STRAIGHT .... GASPING for air and panting, almost wimpering, and D of course wakes up to comfort me, which at the moment is all well and good... but im still really wiped out by this dream and continue to pant - as if i was really not breathing in bed and feel as if i escaped death.

all i could whisper was '....i was drowning...'

and we fell back asleep.

now as i sit here, i can still feel that awful tense feeling, and i can see the blue water rising around me and remember looking down at the damn ring thinking -- WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE??!?!

i, of course, turned to the trusty internet.

Dream Dictionary:

Drowning
To dream that you are drowning, signifies that you are overwhelmed by emotions or repressed issues that is coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts and therefore must proceed more cautiously and slowly. If you drown to death, then is refers to an emotional rebirth. If your survive the drowning, then a waking relationship or situation will ultimately survive the turmoil.

Alternate version (and more subtle i think):

Drowning
Going under emotionally. Losing all that you have. Big ruin ahead.

so what does this mean?
am i doomed?
the ring = engagement?
engagement = drowning, suffocating, death??
am i scared to fail/change my mind at that???

or is it just my unconscious saying im overwhelmed with life, b/c i AM!

we're not even THERE yet. there has been no real discussion about timelines - although i think D has an idea of what he wants to do. i know everyone is giving him shit, b/c hes the guy and people do that... but thankfully i have heard none of that. my family is weird/overprotective.

ok im 25.
i live with my bf for over a year.
i have a good job
i take care of myself (for the most part!)

but still i think if i were to get engaged within the next year people would FREAK OUT
shit, apparently if i were to get engaged within the next year then I WOULD BE THE ONE FREAKING OUT.
but it'll still happen.
people will get over it.
i will hopefully keep my head above water.

i was never a very good water-treader.