glass half-full?

Well I have been slacking, I have been thinking daily about writing, and what I would write about but I never get around to it. Procrastination is the key to all things in my life and god it is a pain in the ass.
But im finally here, and maybe will even have some topics to discuss.
And I want to write more frequently. Really, I do. Don’t take my lack of attention to be anything more than just my laziness.

So what’s up with me……..

Well summer has been summer. Nice and relaxing. Many days spent at the beach, which is great. I want to be able to look back at this apartment one day and say that we did take advantage of it to its fullest potential – by swimming at night after work, and enjoying long days at the beach and tiki bar, and having people over to the beach. Its just such a great area, and I don’t want to ever look back with regret “oh we should have done this more…”
Work has been slow for a bit, which makes most days kind of unbearable. I know its just the time of year and things slow down, but god it can be awful. There really is only so much time you can ‘look busy’ during the day when all you want to do is nap or go home……. Anything to pass time. I just hope that there will be enough to get me through the summer, I hate when I start having those feelings or wishing I was doing something else. Not that I have ANY direction what-so-ever…… but it’s still fun to think about sometimes.

Wow im boring. No wonder I haven’t written in a while. I bore myself.

So really the big thing on my mind is the possible engagement. Mine, of course.

I hate to say that I have been thinking a lot about it……. But I have. My birthday is in only a few short weeks, and I hate that my mind is so focused on the idea that maybe.. just maybe it will happen that wonderful Thursday morning.

He has been playing kind of coy – and acting like nothing is up. He went home this past weekend where through my past snooping [cleaning] I had found a card for a jeweler in his hometown. He went there without me, the last time before my birthday that he’ll be there without me. I have this whole scenario built in my head of what I wish the day could be like and that it actually would be that day, etc… when I really don’t know that. We talked about engagement in like November and he said something about my birthday – which has just stuck in my craw since then [of course, duh I’m a girl]… it’s only natural. There have been many little things that I am either reading into or that are actual signs. When I said something about engagement or something in passing literally 2 seconds later he goes “so, what do you want for your birthday”. We weren’t even on the topic. He says he’s been having an upset stomach lately, especially while he was home and “doesn’t know why”… aka nerves. I don’t know – this is all probably a figment of my imagination and even writing about this is making me feel like I’m jinxing it. I don’t want to talk about it with ANYONE, I barely even let myself think about it too much. I’m at a cross between really excited and really nervous and “how will he do it” “what will he say” “what will he say to my parents?” “has he asked them yet” etc etc etc. and normally, the one person I could go to to talk about this stuff with [C] is just not someone I can share anything with anymore. She has turned into another person and our friendship is most certainly suffering. I mean I have felt for years that we are going in different directions – and she is going to be that eccentric “auntie” that comes to visit with her big blonde hair and boobs and clothes that are very inappropriate for a 40 year old [who still thinks she looks great] ……….. I’m getting side-tracked.

Anyway, I just can’t call her up and discuss this excitement anymore. b/c she won’t be happy. I will be able to hear the fake ‘happiness’ in her voice, where she will promptly hang up and call EVERYONE she knows to tell them, and bitch ‘why isn’t it me'??!?!?!? it’s always been this way, and I don’t see it stopping any time soon. I know that she will be slightly happy, in the way that best friends since 14 have to be, but she will still simmer with the thoughts of “why not ME?” and it will taint it every so slightly.

She is taken a turn for the more snobby in the past few months, and looks down her nose at people who aren’t doing what she is doing [myself included, although I know she would NEVER admit that]. Saying things like “ugh, they’re going to live in New Jersey FOR-EV-ER” as if it was the worst thing on earth. Now I am not a proponent for New Jersey but I am having a pretty good life right now and at the moment don’t really feel this overwhelming need to move to the city or anything CLOSE to that. I let those comments slide. The ones that sound more like “wow I was having a crisis… I was looking for jobs… in NEW JERSEY” to which I say “you do know I work in new jersey right??” and it’s the “oh not you honey – of course not”…. RIIIIIIIGHT. You freaking bitch.

So instead of sharing my inner giddy happiness I’m going to keep it to myself.

Especially for the small percentage of me that believes once I tell someone I really feel its going to happen, it wont.