binge

Another great weekend in good old jersey. Fabulous beach weather, and I spent both days enjoying it to the fullest. I got a bit burned yesterday, but not to the point of ridiculousness, which is nice. By this morning it had turned into tan, which will last on me about 3 days. I don’t know why I bother. I hope that I am not doing some sort of awful injustice to my delicate skin that I will be kicking myself over in 20 years. I’m sure I will. I’ll just say that it was worth it.

Had a wedding Friday night, which was a great time. I love getting dressed up with D – and it puts him in that “oooh wedding” frame of mind, especially when it’s a friend of his – and he can just plainly see how happy the groom was. Lots of food, lotssss of drinks and no dancing [bummed], but overall a really great time.

We are heading out to RI this week – on Wednesday for a wedding that D is in. Our final wedding for the upcoming months. Thank god! Neither of us are too excited about it, as the couple is really strange and the wedding/reception is likely to be a very weird event. First of all, there is no alcohol at the reception. Yes, nothing. Not a cash bar, nothing. I think there is a bar in the location itself, but it isn’t like “a part” of the wedding. So we will both be packing a flask, and praying it isn’t as bad as we are thinking it’s going to be.

My biggest issue now is my weight. I’ve really let it go and I think the only reason it looks “okay” is because I have a bit of a tan, which we all know hides some imperfections. I weighed myself this morning and I am at an APPALLING 140 pounds. That’s a lot for me – and only like 4 pounds away from being ‘overweight’ by doctors standards for my height. I don’t want to be that person and I need to try so much harder. It’s so hard when D can eat whatever he wants, and does – and then I am supposed to not partake in any of it. I want snacks and junk – probably just as much as I want to lose weight. It doesn’t work like that. I haven’t been to the gym for the whole month of july yet, and that’s unacceptable. “it’s hot” is not a good reason. After this wedding coming up this week I will be heading back to the gym. I’d like to lose 5 pounds by my birthday, which is in 17 days. I figure if I don’t eat carbs, sweets or alcohol this week (until Friday for our Newport adventure) then that will be a good start. I’ll allow Friday & Saturday morning for indulgence, and then get back to it. I’m soft, starting to feel full of cellulite, and flabby. It’s unattractive. But seeing the scale this morning put me right in my place. I will be happy with 130 pounds. I would be happier with 125 or 128. but I know I can’t kill myself and I do also have to enjoy life, instead of being miserable and “not allowing” anything. That’s no fun – and that’s when I BINGE so bad. I can’t keep making excuses. I don’t want to talk about it with everyone, especially D. He tries to help, but it normally tends to come out like “wow, you shouldn’t be eating that, huh?” [aka, in a girls mind “you. are. fat.”] which always gets me going and then I want to eat it just to be like fuck off – I’ll do what I want. Which he then says ‘I’m only trying to help & encourage you because I see how down you get about it’. I only see the bad side which is him thinking I really could stand to lose those extra lbs. Don’t get me into that whole thing – it is a slippery slope my friends.

Another thing that is weighing on my mind is my birthday. I’ve never been a big “celebrator” of my birthday only because it’s in the middle of the summer and I feel like everyone is always so busy & split up that nothing good (like a big party) can ever come of it. I never put any effort into it b/c I don’t want to be disappointed when no one shows up and makes me feel like maybe I don’t have friends after all. This year I am taking a very relaxed approach. Plan something casual and whoever shows up, shows up and I’ll have fun with them. If its just me, D and my parents – that’s fine with me.

I hate the fact that C and I have drifted into a ‘non-friendship’ zone. I think it’s just the time of year or whatever she’s going through, but we haven’t spoken in WEEKS, besides a random email or something. I call her – and no call back. She calls me at the WORST times, knowing that I can’t talk. And I’ve gotten to the point where I have NO desire to talk to her, we are SO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. She’s going down a good path for her – in PR, with that whole “glamorous” world of stuck-up, self-indulgent, low self-esteem people…. People who I have nothing in common with. I like my life, I like my job, I like living in Jersey for now, and I don’t like feeling like it is “less” than anything else. I don’t like hiding that I am happy b/c she has nothing to talk about also (it’s always been that way). She’s always been one that doesn’t do a very good job of hiding the fact that she is unhappy that someone else has good fortune. I’ve been noticing this as people we know have been getting married or engaged. I say “oh that’s so exciting for them! Yay”, etc etc and she replies “I can’t believe it… we’re so young, that’s so gay” (aka WHY NOT ME). I told D the other night at dinner that I don’t even want to share the news with her whenever we get engaged b/c I know im going to hear the ‘disappointment’ in her voice – the type that’s like “wow im excited for you, but why not me” I know I’ve talked about this before, but I guess it’s weighing on me. I’m fully prepared to tell her off if I hear that bullshit in her voice. And once and for all kind of get it out there that the happiest time in my life should be met with the biggest and best GENUINE enthusiasm, not “wow, im not at that point yet – that makes me a loser and now im depressed b/c youre happy”. That’s not fair to me. D’s response when I spilled all this – “well its fine…. We’ll just call her last”. I love him.