2K7, year of... pretty much the same shit

so my mid-year resolution is to post more. it's good to get things out, i just have to schedule some time and make it happen. not that anyone is looking or reading, but pretty much just for my own enjoyment and a way to look back and see where i've been. sounds logical.

things have been okay all around. D and i got into a HUGE fight the other night, which ended with me in tears - major tears, knowing full well i was wrong. i went PSYCHO, as per usual... and started slapping & freaking out on him. NO idea why. our fights go from snotty comment to annoyed conversation to fight to SCREAMING to hating each other to just letting it go. its like we both push each others buttons without even realizing it and it just keeps happening over and over and over again. and in every fight i feel like my opinion isnt heard or recognized and is wrong, and he feels the same way -- so we have our defenses up from the very beginning. we are both very hard-headed people, and that's not good for things like this. neither of us wants to be the one to "always give in" and i know, like my mom always says - "relationships are give and take - sometimes you give 90% and he gives 10, and sometimes its the other way around" -- and in true mom fashion, thats correct, but its annoying to feel like you are always giving the 90 and getting the 10. when i know full well in my mind thats not true, but that he is also feeling that too. OBVIOUSLY we have a long road ahead of us., but thankfully we're prepared for that. its not like we're gonna get married and suddenly "hey where did you come from you crazy psychopath??". but we made an agreement. if this shit gets out of hand again, things are going to take a MAJOR turn for bad-ville, so i have to keep myself in check. BIG TIME. and im prepared for that.

but now we have to have a "talk" about plans i have coming up, and he wants in on. unfortunately i have been so AMPED to go away for this weekend with my girls that i do not want him getting in on these plans. hes trying to invite himself b/c the thought of me away for a whole weekend makes him CRAZY for some reason. but if it were the other way around and he were going and not me i would find 100 other things to do and say "have fun, see ya sunday" but instead now i have to argue my point of why "having girl time alone" is important to me and my mental health and our relationship and that seperate activities are what make us a good couple, etc etc etc - and instead all he'll hear is "i want to be away from you.... blah blah blah... i dont want you watching what im doing... blah blah blah... there will be a lot of guys around".......... i know this stems from our rocky past in college & my indescretions with cheating on my bf at the time with him.. and i assume he thinks it would be just that easy for me to do that with him. but seriously, 2 years later - trust should NOT still be an issue. and the fact that im all worried into a tizzy right now over the fact that we might fight later about that weekend makes me mad. he should be like "cool, have fun - dont get hurt" instead of "im coming with you." im not wrong to think this way and i know it. they call it a girls weekend for a reason - THERE ARE NO GUYS! especially NOT your live-in boyfriend who will babysit you like youre 5 and say "that's enough ... time for bed"

so hopefully it will go smooth, no screaming match and he will see my side for once in my life without a huge roundabout arguement. that would ROCK.

otherwise, can't complain. work is good... approaching my 1 year here and still happy & not even thinking about looking for anything else, which is a major milestone for me in the work area. it was like 1 year and DONE. sometimes not even a year. i can't imagine that this time last year i was still reeling from my last job and the PSYCHO-NESS that went on there. hallelujah it feels GOOD to be out of there.

but i can't help but wonder where i'll be in another year - not all that much has changed since last may. still living with D, still happy, still driving the same car, still have the same hair [mostly], still working like hell to get those last 5 pounds off, still have the same vices, still have a very small bank account. makes me want to work harder in the next year to change some things. hopefully big stuff is happening in the latter part of 2007. i would really love a change of some massive proportions - something to turn my world around a bit. not that i should really ask for anything like that, only b/c most times when it comes it knocks you on your ass. i think im just bored.

yikes, the concept of marriage is crazy.
i have to go before my brain melts.