mushy gushy lovey dovey. (sorry)

You know when you have come to a conclusion about something and it just kinda takes you a minute to digest it? I think I’m finally there… on about 3 levels.

One, being that I am officially an “adult”. Not that I didn’t know this before, I mean I live on my own, pay all my own bills, have a 8-5 job, not in too much debt [let’s not go there again], I am reliable, self-sufficient, and mature. BUT I still like to have a good time. Not that being an adult and NOT having fun go hand in hand or anything, but it’s not on the same level.

This past weekend I went down to Maryland for the Preakness race. I’ve always wanted to go, thinking it looked like SO much fun, a full day of outdoor day drinking, people being crazy, etc. Last year I couldn’t go for whatever reason, but this year I made sure that I WAS going, and nothing was going to stop me. I even told D that I didn’t want him to come, b/c I didn’t want to be the girl with the live-in boyfriend that has to go everywhere with her. Obv, I didn’t say it in those words – but more or less that’s what it came down to. I didn’t want to be babysat the whole time and then be made to feel awful when I did something “wrong”. God was I the one who was wrong. I missed him more than ANYTHING starting from the minute we said goodbye. I wanted him to be there for all the fun, I knew he’d have a great time and it just didn’t seem right without my partner in crime. He really is my BEST friend in the world and I realized that I don’t want to spend moments without him being a part of it.

So my realization was not only that I, a) cannot drink for more than 12 hours straight without feeling like curling into the fetal position and sleeping for a LONG period of time [which I did] and b) that I have never been more ready to commit to D then I am right NOW. I am not a little kid anymore. I am in love -- Serious, full-on, you rock my world and make me happier then anything and I can’t wait to share all the wonderful/crazy/trying times that we have ahead of us – love. Its GREAT. I don’t know why it happened, but waking up Sunday morning in that dirty hotel room in MD, I could only think of going home to him and feeling safe, happy & loved.

Call me stupid, crazy, whatever… but when you know, you know.

I just hope he knows as much as I do. [I’m pretty sure he does]

Speaking of that…. I snooped a little. Nothing big. But I was cleaning the other weekend and I found ‘paperwork’-- printed out rings that I had said I liked. And a business card of a jeweler in his hometown. And on the paper were some sketches too. So it looks like things might be in play…. And that makes me SOOO EXCITED. Like I said, I’m crazy and these type of things are all I can think about lately.

But what scares me is the thought of what would come next. Everyone we know that’s gotten engaged lately promptly goes out and buys something together. I mean within WEEKS. People have all this money saved up, like thousands and thousands… and this is AFTER the big purchase of the ring. Granted, every single person we know that has gotten married/engaged was living at home until that time – just banking all the money they were making. D & I have been living together for over a year, not saving anything. Call us stupid but I didn’t want to be without him and live at home anymore. I just wanted it to be me & him against the world… and looks like we got what we wanted. Clearly we’re not going to be able to put a down payment on anything anytime soon. We’re not going to be able to finance a whole home, furniture, mortgage, taxes, lawn care, yada yada yada…. So we’re fine with renting. Buying is so over-rated. [we keep telling ourselves that]. I just want an inheritance. But whatever we’re making it work for us and like I always try to say – and believe – EVERYONE is different, no 2 couples should have to travel down the same path, and I cant let other peoples good fortune and different choices make me feel like my path isn’t the right one. It is the right one for US, and that’s what matters. When the time comes to own a house, we will.

So really, I am okay with not being a “kid” anymore. I don’t want to be. I love my life, I love sharing my moments with someone who thinks the world of me, who listens [most of the time] when I tell another dumb story, who knows what I mean when I complain about work/food/friends/health/relationships, who cooks for me, who tries his best to take care of me, who makes me feel like I HAVE been waiting all this time to realize it IS true – we are meant to be together, and he knew it from day one.

THIS part of being an adult is OKAY with me :o)