peer pressure

The past few weeks have been all self-discovery on my part I think. Becoming more aware of myself, and what I can and cannot do and how I feel about those things. I think when you’re younger the stupid little stuff bothers you more – like how you are judged by your peers for doing or not doing something. Right now I’m at a place where that stuff is slowly starting to matter less and less.

Recently the following discoveries have occurred:

Binge drinking no longer agrees with my body. I’m not as resilient any more, and my body HATES me the next day, for at LEAST 5 hours. It almost always makes me vomit. Most of the time, violently. I am useless. I eat like shit after it’s over and any of the ‘hard work’ I’ve put in during the week is just gone to shit. I’m done with that.

I am perfectly okay with not being a ‘social butterfly’. I don’t need to go out all the time. I don’t have to get wasted and get bruises and not remember my night to say I had fun. I can go out for a few beers, chat with D, go home and watch bad TV and wear my fave T-shirt to say it was a good night.

I like hanging out with my family. Most of the time, I like them more than 99% of my friends. [okay, all of the time]

I have a serious live-in boyfriend who probably sooner rather than later will turn into my “fiancé”. Yes, it’s very scary, but I am very ready for that.

I have to work out every week and eat right or my clothes will start getting tight and I will be flabby. It happens in an instant, making the rest of my life annoying. I will never get away with ‘cheat days/weeks’ because it will always end up in self-loathing. Especially in the week before my period. Forget it. I’m a fat whale who can’t stop eating no matter how hard I try. This will continue to be the cycle for the next 30 years. Awesome.

Also, on that same track – I will never be a super thin girl. I will never look like me circa 2000 [aka no body, no boobs, no curves], but I CAN be a better version of the woman in me now. I will probably never be 125 lbs again, but that’s also fine. It could always be worse. Turn on TLC at pretty much any time during the day and you’ll see some program about a person with a STOMACH bigger than my body. One show titled “I eat 30,000 calories a day” put things all in perspective.

As witty as I think I am, once it gets down to it, my blog never seems as interesting as all of the others I read. I want to put more time & energy into it.

I am scared I will always have a high credit card.

I really want to travel, and SEVERELY want to live somewhere else [preferably somewhere warm, with nice people]. If for nothing else than to say that I did, and to truly appreciate New Jersey and home. Right now I have no appreciation for the area except that I am close to my family – and that is important to me. I do worry that if/when we move, I will be so homesick it might have been a mistake. But I want to know that for sure. Otherwise I have that “what-if” feeling.

I still have no clue what I want to be “when I grow up”. I’m scared that I may never know – and spend my whole life going to different variations of a job, like my mom. And hating them all. I wish I was driven toward something, but in actuality – nothing inspires me.



Also, I believe I am going to start making smoothies in the morning before work for D and me. I want to feel healthy. I will not include ice cream or heavy cream or milk as my sensitive tummy cannot handle it. I will sneak in some wheat germ or something else - and they will be super tasty and I can hardly wait till my next trip to the grocery store!!! I’m stocking up on recipe possibilities now

That is all. I am going to start making updates as daily as I can be. Does that even make sense??