AARP here i come

Well it’s been a not-so-exciting weekend, in the way of not binge drinking/eating like shit/staying up too late/being dirty for days - type excitement. I’m over that. I’ve decided. I like to have fun. But I don’t need to be the me of college anymore. And that fact I am PERFECTLY okay with. I am only just coming to terms with it, so that’s why it’s being brought up again – gimme a month or so. One would think that after a bit over a year of living with D & being ‘grown-ups’ and all, I would know that I was mature. But nope, still thought I had that in me. But another weekend goes by where I was perfectly content doing just what I did – aka being asleep by 12 all 3 nights!!

Friday night was boring, got out of work, cleaned the apartment, went to dinner, drank myself into a nice buzz… then came home, read my US weekly, and went to bed. D’s brother was in town and BOR-RING so I took some time for ME J

Saturday I spent the majority of the time at the beach…….which was PERFECT. The weather was gorgeous and I barely got burned, which is a HUGE feat for my pale skin. The freckles are out in full force and I, for one, find them to be very cute. Thankfully D is also on this boat and loves the freckly side of me. Saturday night we grilled, hung out, and of course – fell asleep early. Again, it felt good.

Sunday was another beach day. Started off iffy, and kind of overcast, but really turned out to be great. Sat out from 12- 4, and just enjoyed the day. A few of our friends were down and we headed out to a bar down the street for some dinner and drinks. After a few hours of that it lost its appeal and we headed home to pass out again!!

Monday we went up to my parents house to spend some QT with them, just hangin out, BS’ing, lots of food and drink and good times. I hadn’t seen them in what felt like forever [which was actually just 2 weeks], so it was fun. Came back home and showered and [tried to] pass out. I guess all those nights of early sleep caught up with us and we both tossed and turned for at least an hour and a half. The AC was on but D was sweating, which then made me sweat, and we couldn’t do the nighttime snuggle routine and it just threw me all out of whack. Wow I sound like a tool with that last statement.

Moving on.

I really want to go to the movies. I just can never convince D to see the things I want to see and lord knows I don’t want to see Pirates of the Caribbean or whatever.

We got our bikes cleaned up and hopefully we can reinstate the after work bike rides we used to take. Maybe we can ride somewhere awesome, have a picnic dinner and enjoy the summer nights. I loooooooove those. It is SOO nice to live right by the ocean. I hope I don’t start to take it for granted. I do know I’m getting bored and I need some sort of excitement/change. I want to live somewhere else. Unfortunately we are in our current spot till April 2008. I thought about us moving to Hoboken in April once this lease is up, but it probably isn’t going to work out. With D’s job the way it is, he isn’t going to want to move farther away… since we are so perfectly located where we are for both our jobs, it IS silly to move. But it’s also annoying to live in an apt that causes so much anxiety & annoyance. I want to be able to paint stuff. And more permanently decorate. And just change some crap, but we can’t. who knows where the next 10 months will take us… maybe we’ll move to Nebraska or something hahahahaha, no.

Yee-haw.

mushy gushy lovey dovey. (sorry)

You know when you have come to a conclusion about something and it just kinda takes you a minute to digest it? I think I’m finally there… on about 3 levels.

One, being that I am officially an “adult”. Not that I didn’t know this before, I mean I live on my own, pay all my own bills, have a 8-5 job, not in too much debt [let’s not go there again], I am reliable, self-sufficient, and mature. BUT I still like to have a good time. Not that being an adult and NOT having fun go hand in hand or anything, but it’s not on the same level.

This past weekend I went down to Maryland for the Preakness race. I’ve always wanted to go, thinking it looked like SO much fun, a full day of outdoor day drinking, people being crazy, etc. Last year I couldn’t go for whatever reason, but this year I made sure that I WAS going, and nothing was going to stop me. I even told D that I didn’t want him to come, b/c I didn’t want to be the girl with the live-in boyfriend that has to go everywhere with her. Obv, I didn’t say it in those words – but more or less that’s what it came down to. I didn’t want to be babysat the whole time and then be made to feel awful when I did something “wrong”. God was I the one who was wrong. I missed him more than ANYTHING starting from the minute we said goodbye. I wanted him to be there for all the fun, I knew he’d have a great time and it just didn’t seem right without my partner in crime. He really is my BEST friend in the world and I realized that I don’t want to spend moments without him being a part of it.

So my realization was not only that I, a) cannot drink for more than 12 hours straight without feeling like curling into the fetal position and sleeping for a LONG period of time [which I did] and b) that I have never been more ready to commit to D then I am right NOW. I am not a little kid anymore. I am in love -- Serious, full-on, you rock my world and make me happier then anything and I can’t wait to share all the wonderful/crazy/trying times that we have ahead of us – love. Its GREAT. I don’t know why it happened, but waking up Sunday morning in that dirty hotel room in MD, I could only think of going home to him and feeling safe, happy & loved.

Call me stupid, crazy, whatever… but when you know, you know.

I just hope he knows as much as I do. [I’m pretty sure he does]

Speaking of that…. I snooped a little. Nothing big. But I was cleaning the other weekend and I found ‘paperwork’-- printed out rings that I had said I liked. And a business card of a jeweler in his hometown. And on the paper were some sketches too. So it looks like things might be in play…. And that makes me SOOO EXCITED. Like I said, I’m crazy and these type of things are all I can think about lately.

But what scares me is the thought of what would come next. Everyone we know that’s gotten engaged lately promptly goes out and buys something together. I mean within WEEKS. People have all this money saved up, like thousands and thousands… and this is AFTER the big purchase of the ring. Granted, every single person we know that has gotten married/engaged was living at home until that time – just banking all the money they were making. D & I have been living together for over a year, not saving anything. Call us stupid but I didn’t want to be without him and live at home anymore. I just wanted it to be me & him against the world… and looks like we got what we wanted. Clearly we’re not going to be able to put a down payment on anything anytime soon. We’re not going to be able to finance a whole home, furniture, mortgage, taxes, lawn care, yada yada yada…. So we’re fine with renting. Buying is so over-rated. [we keep telling ourselves that]. I just want an inheritance. But whatever we’re making it work for us and like I always try to say – and believe – EVERYONE is different, no 2 couples should have to travel down the same path, and I cant let other peoples good fortune and different choices make me feel like my path isn’t the right one. It is the right one for US, and that’s what matters. When the time comes to own a house, we will.

So really, I am okay with not being a “kid” anymore. I don’t want to be. I love my life, I love sharing my moments with someone who thinks the world of me, who listens [most of the time] when I tell another dumb story, who knows what I mean when I complain about work/food/friends/health/relationships, who cooks for me, who tries his best to take care of me, who makes me feel like I HAVE been waiting all this time to realize it IS true – we are meant to be together, and he knew it from day one.

THIS part of being an adult is OKAY with me :o)

im a big girl

First Topic:
LAUNDRY

i've made a mid-year "new years resolution".

i'm making sure that when i take clothes off, i keep them right-side out.

Now, to the normal person that might not seem like that big of a deal, but to me it is the worst. whenever laundry day comes i spend an extra 5 minutes or more turning things right-side out so that drying isnt a whole production in itself. because by the time that annoying as hell buzzer goes off, i want nothing more than to shove the clothes in the drawers and go on with my day.

Socks - always inside out. Shirts, i rip it off like a 5 year old ready to run to the next toy without thinking. pants tend to be the ONLY thing that is not inside out. my sports bras are the only things exempt from this rule, b/c most times they are drenched in sweat and nauseating to spend too much time turning right-side out, etc.

So i am making a real effort these days. a small step in the grand scheme of things, but large when it comes to efficient laundry doing.


Next topic:
DEBT.

I am in debt.
i dont like to say it. i dont even like to think how i've gotten here [think: moving out, not budgeting well enough, and when it comes to things i "need", but dont have the cash for asap - i charge it. awesome moves]. which really just ends up getting worse each month - b/c as the bill gets higher (i consolidated my 2 big cards into one), i want to pay more to make it go away... thus making the cycle worse. more money going to the card means more money out of my bank account, etc etc etc.
BUT i have finally accepted my fate. I am discontinuing use on my big card, and vowing to make a plan to pay it off in a matter of months. I MUST DO THIS. D made it clear that when "our accounts merge" (isnt he romantic), he doesnt want to take on loads of my debt. which is completely true - and not fair to him. i wouldnt want HIS debt, that's for sure.... so i have to make every effort i can to eliminate the problem. Thankfully my 2 BIG wedding commitments are DONE GONE FINISHED and now i have to pay-off my parents also. CRAP, forgot about that. im sure they will bring down my total cost, b/c they know how broke i am and they dont really need the money - but i told them i didnt just WANT the money, i wanted to pay back. so hopefully they will cut me a break, and i will slowly pay that off too.
I also bought a Suze Orman book "Women and Money". I plan to start reading it tonight, and really get into it. She has some sort of 5 month plan - which would take me to October, and that would be awesome to be at a much more debt-free zone in October. I wonder if i'll get engaged in that time period. wow it seems so far but not really that far at all...... ahhhhhhhhh im getting freaked out again but freaked out in the good excited way.

so thats my plan... my big girl plan. take control of my laundry and my debt. one step at a time.


So to come full circle.... i really want to go on a shopping spree.
i want like 10 pairs of shoes, 2 bathing suits, and a ton of new summer clothes. but that DOES NOT fit into the new & improved me. shoot.


also - D is getting a raise at work again :)
i am so proud of him. sometimes i think that he is a little forward/too aggressive and obvious when it comes to trying to get what he thinks he deserves, but in this role it has done him nothing but good. the people at work seem to really like him - he gets lots of praise and i think this will be his 3rd raise in 18months. which is awesome. he's also started his own business with a friend - and while it is still in its newborn phase, it shows a lot of potential - and they really could do well for themselves if they play their cards right, invest a little money and get the name out there. maybe then i can manage that business for him and quit any other job and be a part time lady of leisure. damn that would be awesome. great, now im day-dreaming at work.

Had a dream i was fired from work last night - and it was a BIG scene. i think i was feeling guilty about the "access denied" things i was getting from looking at blogs yesterday and seeing that they are "monitoring me". i dont like the sounds of that. i am a good worker, but i need to scatter my tasks throughout the day or else i will be done in like 1 hour..... and then it will be really BAD. i really wish i knew what direction i should be going in life. not that i am unhappy here - AT ALL - i really am, and i am not even thinking about another path right now [which is a good feeling] but it still doesnt feel like ME, like where i am supposed to be. its a nice place, a nice office and the people are nice enough - but i dont know. sometimes i just feel like i am all on my own here and i can go for hours and hours and hours w/o even TALKING to anyone...........

oh well.

gotta get back to 'being busy'
[or looking it]

more to come as my debt hopefully lowers itself.

dont bother

well, i've made it. its 2:30 on friday and i am starving.... but i've made it. i stopped shoving my face full of junk for 5 days. no junk food, no sandwiches, no chips, no soda, no alcohol, no sweets. NO FUN.

but i did it!!! and the SICK part is - i think i actually trained myself to not want food as bad this week. i mean, yeah i was daydreaming and drooling pretty much all the time, but i knew i didnt need it....

ANYWAY sick of that subject. sick sick sick sick sick

3 more hours at work and not a damn thing to do. its pretty outside now too, which makes sitting here so much more unbearable. im awfully tired. maybe coffee will help...

this is a boring post. im bored just writing it.

going batty

so i head into day 3 of crazy, ridiculous no-holds-barred dieting.... and im feeling pretty good. pretty confident, and no major slip-ups, save that piece of chocolate i had after dinner last night.... but COME ON.. im PMS'ing and NEED THAT CHOCOLATE. i think ive been doing pretty well considering what time of month it is, and what kind of eater i normally am. but i have the ultimate motivator, the DRESS. it was tight. and not even tight around my gut, tight around my BOOBS. seriously. who would have ever thought that my boobs would make something not fit right?? certainly not me, thats for sure. so i am out today to go buy some midol or pamprin. i want something to reduce the bloating, if that is even at all possible. im running out of options here people, the wedding is SATURDAY! and its WEDNESDAY!! ahhhhh. whatever it is very very very past the point of "looking good" - it is all about comfort at this point. serious, total and complete comfort. i do not want to spend 12 hours wearing an ugly dress that hurts, makes me miss out on all the delicious food-stuffs goin around and most importantly, DRINKING. the last wedding was a disaster in this respect - as i barely had any of the bacon wrapped shrimp, or cheese plate or meatballs or ANY OF IT..... no dinner, no dessert. i was smart, saved it all for vodka & tonic :)

so its another gorgeous day here in the fabulous state of NJ, and it makes me happy ! ill go out at lunch for errands and basically just to have time away from my desk - which i thank god for every damn day. things are slow right now, which makes time DRAG - especially when all i want to do is eat, and boredom = hunger. but really, im impressed with myself and with the right attitude i can make it happen. i sometimes wish i always had to fit into some stupid dress.

speaking of dresses, i will NOT do this to myself as the bride in my own wedding. i want a flowy sun-dress type deal, none of this skin tight satin with 1 billion buttons up the back.... HELL NO. i want to be comfortable... MY way.

thank god for all these people having weddings before me, so that i can determine what sucks & what is cool.

here are some things that arent cool:

- people who can't smile in pictures b/c they think they look 'sexy' otherwise
- waking up too early int he morning & not being able to fall back asleep
- diets
- mean attitudes
- uncomfortable shoes
- ugly dresses
- pickles
- working during the summer
- not having enough money to travel when/where i want to
- DEBT
- traffic, accidents, bad drivers
- monday mornings at 8am
- not being able to wear cute clothes b/c im very critical
- hell, not being able to BUY cute clothes
- people who talk too much about themselves but never ask how you are
- when you compliment others but never receive compliments in return
- not having the ability to concentrate
- thinking that stretch pants looks cute on everyone, knowing i would never do that
- this list.

grrrrr.

another gorgeous day here in the northeast, thank god it seems that spring is here to stay - and NO MORE cold weather, no more awful-ness. i am still weary, until we get a full week of nice-ness. :)

i, on the other hand, am not feeling so nice. have a wedding this weekend that i am a bridesmaid in, and unfortunately the dress is VERY snug. making this week even MORE important for dieting, working out and not drinking during the week. unfortunately, a side effect of this ill-fitting dress is one of overindulgence - where i want to give myself everything in LARGE quantities to soothe my feelings. but i know this is wrong, so i will be extra cranky while i eat 2 grapes, 10 coffees and 400 bottles of water while working my ass off at the gym. god dammit. i can't wait to workout for ME and not some stupid unflattering ball gown bridesmaid dress. AGAIN - reason #598437594386 why my wedding will ROCK and my bridesmaid dresses will ROCK and be so totally NOT any of the shit i've gone through in the last year. dont get me wrong, i love my friends - i dont always love their choices in wedding fashion.

oh, and thank god for PMS making me feel even PRETTIERRRRRRRRR this week.... all climaxing probably saturday morning when i go to put on this dress and i really wish i were wearing a muu-muu.

i need to get fresh air now.

cranky-ville. population, 1.

2K7, year of... pretty much the same shit

so my mid-year resolution is to post more. it's good to get things out, i just have to schedule some time and make it happen. not that anyone is looking or reading, but pretty much just for my own enjoyment and a way to look back and see where i've been. sounds logical.

things have been okay all around. D and i got into a HUGE fight the other night, which ended with me in tears - major tears, knowing full well i was wrong. i went PSYCHO, as per usual... and started slapping & freaking out on him. NO idea why. our fights go from snotty comment to annoyed conversation to fight to SCREAMING to hating each other to just letting it go. its like we both push each others buttons without even realizing it and it just keeps happening over and over and over again. and in every fight i feel like my opinion isnt heard or recognized and is wrong, and he feels the same way -- so we have our defenses up from the very beginning. we are both very hard-headed people, and that's not good for things like this. neither of us wants to be the one to "always give in" and i know, like my mom always says - "relationships are give and take - sometimes you give 90% and he gives 10, and sometimes its the other way around" -- and in true mom fashion, thats correct, but its annoying to feel like you are always giving the 90 and getting the 10. when i know full well in my mind thats not true, but that he is also feeling that too. OBVIOUSLY we have a long road ahead of us., but thankfully we're prepared for that. its not like we're gonna get married and suddenly "hey where did you come from you crazy psychopath??". but we made an agreement. if this shit gets out of hand again, things are going to take a MAJOR turn for bad-ville, so i have to keep myself in check. BIG TIME. and im prepared for that.

but now we have to have a "talk" about plans i have coming up, and he wants in on. unfortunately i have been so AMPED to go away for this weekend with my girls that i do not want him getting in on these plans. hes trying to invite himself b/c the thought of me away for a whole weekend makes him CRAZY for some reason. but if it were the other way around and he were going and not me i would find 100 other things to do and say "have fun, see ya sunday" but instead now i have to argue my point of why "having girl time alone" is important to me and my mental health and our relationship and that seperate activities are what make us a good couple, etc etc etc - and instead all he'll hear is "i want to be away from you.... blah blah blah... i dont want you watching what im doing... blah blah blah... there will be a lot of guys around".......... i know this stems from our rocky past in college & my indescretions with cheating on my bf at the time with him.. and i assume he thinks it would be just that easy for me to do that with him. but seriously, 2 years later - trust should NOT still be an issue. and the fact that im all worried into a tizzy right now over the fact that we might fight later about that weekend makes me mad. he should be like "cool, have fun - dont get hurt" instead of "im coming with you." im not wrong to think this way and i know it. they call it a girls weekend for a reason - THERE ARE NO GUYS! especially NOT your live-in boyfriend who will babysit you like youre 5 and say "that's enough ... time for bed"

so hopefully it will go smooth, no screaming match and he will see my side for once in my life without a huge roundabout arguement. that would ROCK.

otherwise, can't complain. work is good... approaching my 1 year here and still happy & not even thinking about looking for anything else, which is a major milestone for me in the work area. it was like 1 year and DONE. sometimes not even a year. i can't imagine that this time last year i was still reeling from my last job and the PSYCHO-NESS that went on there. hallelujah it feels GOOD to be out of there.

but i can't help but wonder where i'll be in another year - not all that much has changed since last may. still living with D, still happy, still driving the same car, still have the same hair [mostly], still working like hell to get those last 5 pounds off, still have the same vices, still have a very small bank account. makes me want to work harder in the next year to change some things. hopefully big stuff is happening in the latter part of 2007. i would really love a change of some massive proportions - something to turn my world around a bit. not that i should really ask for anything like that, only b/c most times when it comes it knocks you on your ass. i think im just bored.

yikes, the concept of marriage is crazy.
i have to go before my brain melts.