100 things... back in action

since i've been gone for nearly 2.5 weeks now......... im BACK.

did you miss me?

my computer was down at work... and we all know thats where i do my best blog-thinking. inspiring it is!

so to appease anyone who happens upon me, here is my 'mandatory' list of 100 things...

1. I love making lists
2. I take my coffee black, with 2 sweet & lo
3. Milk makes me fart
4. I had a hernia operation when I was 12
5. My favorite grandparents died & the 2 I have left don’t really “count” to me
6. I still just can’t justify buying a pair of jeans worth over 100 bucks
7. I spend 95% of time procrastinating at work & 5% doing work that makes my boss think I am a good worker.
8. I really hate the smell of fire
9. I always wanted a Volvo station wagon when I was little
10. I really hate cats, I can’t trust them & I think I am a little scared of them
11. I think its strange when people insist on backing into parking spots every day
12. I’ve worn glasses since I was 8
13. I used to suck my thumb FOREVER and it caused me to get braces
14. I still sucked my thumb after I got them (age 11)
15. I was born in Plainfield NJ and I still have no idea where the hospital is
16. I have voted in every election since we were able to vote, except the last one – and I felt guilty.
17. I love singing around the house in a voice that sounds like Cher.
18. I think Barry Manilow is terrifying
19. I would probably eat an everything bagel w/ Cream Cheese every day for the rest of my life if it wasn’t so “unhealthy”
20. I really love the unusual color of my eyes
21. I’ve never been to Vegas and I wonder if I’ll be able to go when I’m young enough to get crazy & enjoy it to the fullest.
22. I have a weird “thing” for old men – I think grandpas are so cute
23. Sometimes I think there is a gay man trapped inside me. I love musicals.
24. I am really scared to get lasik eye surgery… and even more afraid that my eyes would just go back to the way they were after a $4000 procedure
25. I tell stories with a lot of detail so the person can feel just what I was feeling when it happened
26. I love going to the movies and a great present would be unlimited movies for a year
27. I like when songs “touch me” and I feel like they were written for my situation
28. I was always horrible at math – and I still have problems doing simple stuff and it makes me self-conscious
29. I believe in karma big time and there are a few people who are getting exactly what they deserve
30. I also believe in the 3 second rule. Especially if no one is looking.
31. I’ve never gotten a speeding ticket in my life. I’ve only been pulled over once and I got out of it. [knock on wood]
32. No one ever pronounces my first or last name right and I really hate that.
33. My birthstone is “peridot” and I think its ugly
34. I am a complete hypochondriac and I always think I’m pregnant.
35. I have a really sick sense of smell
36. My dad used to ride motorcycles. I still think he is the BOMB
37. My grandmother was a twin and I secretly hope that if and when I ever get pregnant, I have twins too
38. I am very paranoid about my underarm odor.
39. I have the strongest desire to move to California, and I’ve never been there yet.
40. I always have the craziest red eye in pictures.
41. I really feel BAD for Britney spears & her life on a weird level.
42. I am in credit card debt.
43. I genuinely feel that being nauseous is the WORST feeling on earth.
44. I hate feeling guilty, but somehow always feel guilty about something
45. I randomly have thoughts of accidentally cutting my fingers off while cooking – at least once a day. I think its why I hate cooking so much
46. My mom made my Halloween costume for me every year for like 10 years
47. I was Dorothy in Kindergarten and she was the wicked witch.
48. I have no brothers or sisters and I am afraid to ask why not
49. My parents don’t know I went skydiving 2 times
50. Sometimes when I think of my life & situations I narrate it like I’m in a book.
51. Whenever I don’t feel good, I always want to eat Velveeta.
52. I hate making small talk with my co-workers
53. I am right-handed and I don’t write “normally” – I rest it on the ring finger & it leaves a bump
54. I hate when people who have really nappy curly hair try to straighten it – IT DOESN’T LOOK GOOD, be curly & be proud of it!
55. I think if heaven is like “What dreams may come” then it’s not so scary. I just really hope when I get there, the people that have left me will recognize me as an old lady. [if i get to be old!]
56. I really want to go on a cruise & play that scavenger hunt game
57. I shave my armpits every time I’m in the shower b/c I never want to have hairy pits
58. My biggest fear is someone breaking into my apartment when I’m there – and not being able to defend myself or get out safely
59. I have to fall asleep with one foot outside of the covers or I’ll never go to bed
60. When I was little my mom had to cut off the feet in feetie pajamas b/c they made me too hot
61. I have the craziest dreams ever & I almost always remember every detail
62. I believe the scariest place on earth is the dentists chair
63. I HATEEEE turtlenecks in any way shape or form, especially on me, and men.
64. I know all of the words to Mary Poppins, Wizard of Oz and White Christmas
65. I could become addicted to prescription medicine if I had a supply
66. I used to LOVE putting together jigsaw puzzles with my mom and dad during the winter
67. I vow to never drive a minivan, wear mom jeans, get a short mom haircut, or have a soccer ball “broken glass” sticker on my car
68. I hate when people make fun of me for being blonde or “young”
69. I think every celebrity in Hollywood is gay [legitimately]
70. I wish Paris Hilton would fall off the face of the earth
71. I would love to be on the game show “Family Feud”
72. Sometimes I wish my car was a demolition car and I could crash people off the road and then drive along with no problem
73. I had 4 permanent teeth pulled when I was 9 to make room for braces, etc.
74. Once, when I was babysitting at like age 12, I thought about shaking the damn baby to get her to shut up. I still feel bad about thinking that.
75. I used to watch porn at my Aunt & uncles house when I babysat in 8th grade
76. I really hate my dad’s brother and I wish he wasn’t a part of our family
77. I was in a spelling bee in like 4th grade and I was so proud even though I didn’t win
78. I’m scared that I’m never gonna find what it is I’m “meant” for – and my life will just be ordinary, typical, boring
79. If no one cared, I would take a one hour nap at work every single day
80. I hate when people take themselves too seriously: ex. Never smiling in pictures but only giving the “I’m so hot” side face pose
81. I am really scared of global warming & the effects its having on the earth, weather, animals, people, climates
82. I CANNOT imagine a life without my mom or dad
83. If I could go back & do it all again, I would be a teacher
84. I'm starting to feel more comfortable growing up and being more "adult"
85. Im not scared at all anymore of getting engaged and I am actually really looking forward to it
86. I fluctuate between thinking im "okay" with my weight and wanting to never eat again/work out every day
87. I think i had a drug problem my senior year of college, sort of
88. And i definitely think if i had connections [and money] i'd fall right back into it
89. I'm not cut out for the corporate world
90. I'm too emotional and things bother me really easily, no matter what i do to try & stop it
91. A lot of times i think im addicted to food. i wonder what it is that im eating to "cover up"
92. I really love Christmas songs... and im glad i can listen again after getting over some sad memories that go along with that time of year
93. I have good taste in clothes, but no money to spend on anything
94. I love thunder & lightning
95. I watch Food Network more than anything else on TV
96. We're going to have a destination wedding one day
97. I can't find a bra that fits, feels good and looks good
98. A very naughty secret: im scared i wont like the ring that i receive b/c i secretly feel he has bad taste in jewelry
99. i rarely answer the phone, i dont like talking on it and i dont like returning phone calls.
100. I have a nervous stomach

ta da. enjoy.

being selfish

is it bad that i am jealous of everyone else getting engaged? its not so much that i am particularly in a rush b/c BELIEVE ME - im not!! the idea of making budgets, asking for money, making joint decisions on things that will NOT come easy, deciding on locations, guests, dates, colors, dresses, bridal party - ALL OF THAT - does not sound very fun to me.

but i guess just for the 'pretty jewelry' factor, i can't help but be a little annoyed.

i know im being irrational, so dont kill me here. it seems like everyone i know (aka like 25%) is either engaged, married or well on their way. someone else just got engaged on friday - she is 2 years younger than me, and has been dating her bf for 6 months less than me & D. not that these things really matter in the long run, but when someone who dated for 4 years gets engaged it doesnt seem as bad as someone who is clearly on my own playing field.

what would i do if i were to get engaged next weekend? [besides FREAK RIGHT THE F OUT]. i dont know. i mean, its clearly going to happen before 2007 is over.... i think... but ughhhhhhh i dont know i just dont want to see or hear about any more weddings, rings, dresses or crap for a long time.

AHHH!!

UPDATE:
i publish post, go out for lunch.
see creepy ex-boss on side of road.

thankfully i was not spotted.

muahahahahaha he looks like he's driving a nissan sentra or something of the like now. perhaps a kia.

loser.

Creepy Creeperson

Dear Old Boss,

I still think about you and your creepy ways quite often. You have simply diappeared from my life over the last year and a half but for whatever reason it almost feels like you are an ex. I guess in some ways you are.

When i came to you looking for a job, i was coming out (or in the middle) of a very hard time in my life. i lost my best friend in a horrible accident, i quit my first job in new york city, and had an emergency operation. i had no direction and no goals - and all i knew was that being unemployed SUCKED. i needed a job. i interviewed a few places, nothing was very exciting, and when i came to interview with you i felt comfortable. you were unprofessional and i should have seen it from the beginning, i believe you used the work "fuck" in the interview. extremely inappropriate. but i laughed and thought, "wow, this guy could be a cool boss". you were chubby, kind of chipmunk looking, and i didnt feel intimidated by you. i was at ease in my interview, and you liked me. i knew i had the job when i walked out.

i was a bit over-qualified, simply because i had a BRAIN. you called me 2 hours later and offered me the job, and i, of course - being desperate- took it right away. You werent paying much, but my commute was only 10 minutes, and i thought it would work out nicely.

The office was small. you were just starting out and only had 5 employees. i was the youngest and no one really tried to be that nice to me. the one woman there especially took an EXTREME disliking to me. i tried to be nice, and i consider myself to be easy to get along with, but she didnt want anything to do with it. looking back now, it was painfully obvious to see - she USED to be your main attraction, but now that you had me, she was useless to you - and you were MEAN to her. You berated her, called her fat, you were the EPITOME of unprofessional and pretty much everything you said and did bordered on sexual harassment. i am genuinely surprised she didnt do anything about it. but this is coming from a woman who found her husband on an S&M website, KNEW he was having an affair, and did NOTHING about it. tried to get a divorce but backed out 2 minutes before the judge ruled it to be complete. pathetic. The whole scene was pathetic.

As i got more settled, you were more and more 'friendly' with me. You took me to lunch almost daily, paid for everything and many times i felt like we were on dates. im sure everyone else did too, but you were the boss - how was i supposed to say 'no'? that just didnt feel right, so i always went along with it. and besides, it was much more fun leaving the office for 2 hours, bullshitting with you and NOT working. so everyones dislike grew stronger. not that i tried, nor did i care.

You would suggest us doing late night work and would buy BEER while we did it. you hated your wife, your new babies, and everything that they had to offer. you never wanted to go home and would mock your wife for having post-partum depression. Even at this point, i didnt think you were creepy - i just thought we were fast-friends, and it was cool to actually get along with your boss. D hated it and HATED you, but i told him it was fine- and he was over-reacting.

As time grew on, it was apparent that you thought we were more then just co-workers. You texted me after work and on weekends. you were very shady. you made me feel very weird a lot of the time. but again, i was pretty used to it, and thought it was just the way you were. i was naive, and no one was really telling me it was wrong. then again,i kept a lot of that stuff to myself.

Then things started to get really weird.

You had to hire more people, because i did not like the position i was in and i was doing too many jobs and not being able to focus on just one thing. i was not an accountant, but you made me take that role, encouraging that i was smart & i could do it. i knew better. i can barely balance my own checkbook, so how am i supposed to take control of a new company and basically run it? each week i struggled to pay your bills and have enough money in the accounts to take care of everything.

Soon you could tell that things were looking grim, and it was stressing you out. even with the addition of a few new girls, and the old one gone - things were tense. i had no more responsibility, and you slowly took things away from me one by one. you drove me to hate you and your office. i cried in the morning thinking about going to work. you made me so miserable.

suddenly, out of the blue, you would go DAYS without talking to me, no matter what i did. i would come into your office and try to discuss things and you would say "everything was fine" like a 5 year old. you were stubborn, immature and a horrible boss. i started hating you.

you started taking away rights on my computer. you took away programs. you blocked everything on me. and when i confronted you, you told me that you "didnt know what i was talking about". you were a baby. and i hated you even more.

Many days during this hard time it took all the strength i had not to fall apart in tears at work. i was like a little girl, calling my mom for support before i lost it and told you how much of a raging dickhead you were. but i held my ground, and started searching for jobs.

I found one. It was close by, but it was a big place. I had a good feeling about it - and i knew it had potential. I didnt think the new boss would be as creepy as you had been and i took it. I gave you my 2 weeks and you told me to GET OUT immediately. so, thankfully, being the smart girl that i am, i had packed all my shit earlier in the week. I left my key and never spoke to you again.


I work nearby, and always wonder when i'll run into you. It seems like when we were in our "glory days" we were always out and about. at the bank, the grocery store, everywhere. now it's like you've dropped off the face of the earth. i dont see you at the bank that we share. i dont see you driving around in your big truck (although every truck i see i turn to see if its you. it hasnt been). i drive by your office on my way to do errands, and some days i see your car there, but still, no sighting of you mr. creepy. i wonder how our interaction will be once we finally do see each other. i will be genuinely surprised if you are still married, and if you havent buried yourself into a hole in your business venture. i still keep in touch with one co-worker, and he gives me a little gossip here and there. i did find out that you LIED and said you saw me at the gym, which is just weird. that we "talked, and i looked great/was great". what's THAT about?? really, does it make you feel better to lie? you were probably the most pathetic adolescent [and adult for that matter] and having a girl like myself pay attention to you probably felt so rewarding. but all you did was make me feel awful.

thank god that part of my life is over, and i can move on and have a healthy work environment now. i enjoy where im at, i like my boss - and we get along. granted, i still get scared that its going to turn into creepy territory but thankfully so far ive found that you were in a league of your own. Good luck, dirtbag.

posture problems

I do this weird thing when I sit. It’s because I’m really self-conscious of my stomach, and I think it makes me feel better (both in my head and physically). I sit with my gut, like the middle part right at the belly button, jammed up against whatever desk/counterspace/hard surface I am at. So it forces me to have good posture, and for whatever reason I think it pushes in the belly that has just been forming consistently since I graduated college. It’s weird really, and after a while it kind of hurts – both my back and my stomach, but I cannot stop doing it. Whenever I’m at my parents house I stand like that in their kitchen at the counter, and even more so here at work. I’m so self-conscious of it. I cannot get rid of this belly no matter how toned/in shape I am. Its always a bit bulbous and bigger that I would like – as if every single thing I eat goes RIGHT there. My legs are hot, my arms are skinny(ish) and my butt isn’t too wide/jiggly – its just really small and non-existent. So unfortunately it just seems like my cross to bear to have a wiggly jello belly because the other stuff is so easy to get into shape. It just doesn’t seem fair. but i guess that means i just have to go work harder at the gym..

peer pressure

The past few weeks have been all self-discovery on my part I think. Becoming more aware of myself, and what I can and cannot do and how I feel about those things. I think when you’re younger the stupid little stuff bothers you more – like how you are judged by your peers for doing or not doing something. Right now I’m at a place where that stuff is slowly starting to matter less and less.

Recently the following discoveries have occurred:

Binge drinking no longer agrees with my body. I’m not as resilient any more, and my body HATES me the next day, for at LEAST 5 hours. It almost always makes me vomit. Most of the time, violently. I am useless. I eat like shit after it’s over and any of the ‘hard work’ I’ve put in during the week is just gone to shit. I’m done with that.

I am perfectly okay with not being a ‘social butterfly’. I don’t need to go out all the time. I don’t have to get wasted and get bruises and not remember my night to say I had fun. I can go out for a few beers, chat with D, go home and watch bad TV and wear my fave T-shirt to say it was a good night.

I like hanging out with my family. Most of the time, I like them more than 99% of my friends. [okay, all of the time]

I have a serious live-in boyfriend who probably sooner rather than later will turn into my “fiancé”. Yes, it’s very scary, but I am very ready for that.

I have to work out every week and eat right or my clothes will start getting tight and I will be flabby. It happens in an instant, making the rest of my life annoying. I will never get away with ‘cheat days/weeks’ because it will always end up in self-loathing. Especially in the week before my period. Forget it. I’m a fat whale who can’t stop eating no matter how hard I try. This will continue to be the cycle for the next 30 years. Awesome.

Also, on that same track – I will never be a super thin girl. I will never look like me circa 2000 [aka no body, no boobs, no curves], but I CAN be a better version of the woman in me now. I will probably never be 125 lbs again, but that’s also fine. It could always be worse. Turn on TLC at pretty much any time during the day and you’ll see some program about a person with a STOMACH bigger than my body. One show titled “I eat 30,000 calories a day” put things all in perspective.

As witty as I think I am, once it gets down to it, my blog never seems as interesting as all of the others I read. I want to put more time & energy into it.

I am scared I will always have a high credit card.

I really want to travel, and SEVERELY want to live somewhere else [preferably somewhere warm, with nice people]. If for nothing else than to say that I did, and to truly appreciate New Jersey and home. Right now I have no appreciation for the area except that I am close to my family – and that is important to me. I do worry that if/when we move, I will be so homesick it might have been a mistake. But I want to know that for sure. Otherwise I have that “what-if” feeling.

I still have no clue what I want to be “when I grow up”. I’m scared that I may never know – and spend my whole life going to different variations of a job, like my mom. And hating them all. I wish I was driven toward something, but in actuality – nothing inspires me.



Also, I believe I am going to start making smoothies in the morning before work for D and me. I want to feel healthy. I will not include ice cream or heavy cream or milk as my sensitive tummy cannot handle it. I will sneak in some wheat germ or something else - and they will be super tasty and I can hardly wait till my next trip to the grocery store!!! I’m stocking up on recipe possibilities now

That is all. I am going to start making updates as daily as I can be. Does that even make sense??