rainy days and mondays

I feel like im having an ‘out of body week’ or something.
I know its got to have something to do with this awful weather we’re having b/c I can barely handle another day that doesn’t get above 50, where it pours rain, makes everyone a little more pissy than usual..

I think im just feeling really ugly. Unattractive. Pale, flabby, grown out roots [over 2.5 months old… which is a RECORD for me… and 2 more weeks to go], old wardrobe of the same old clothes being repeated every 4 days, im just feeling BORING. Plain. Average. Ugly.

But on the brighter side, today is D’s birthday, and we're going out to dinner to our fave italian place in town and then back to the apt for cake ...

speaking of cake.
well i felt like SHIT yesterday... i dunno, i HATE sleeping in my old bed at home with D - its too small and just overall i toss & turn all night. my back was killing me so i said screw the gym -
came home and started to make his birthday cake. prepare a few aspects [the pan, preheat the oven, get the supplies ready] and pour the water into the batter. turn to move the bowl and BAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM chocolate cake mix goo ALL OVER ME and the floor. i mean i emptied the bowl. SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COATED EVERYTHING so i just stand there in shock trying not to freak out. i just cleaned the kitchen the other night when i went on a rampage and its now 8:30, ughhh i was so annoyed. but we cleaned up, ran to the store and got another mix, and then i re-made it, this time with no spills.

So annoying..
I treated myself with a scotch. Something I have also been avoiding – alcohol on weeknights. It’s just unnecessary calories really and I don’t need the drink. But last night, I did. And tonight is the birthday so I’ll definitely have wine. Then we’re going away Saturday to Tuesday for a food & drink fest, which means the following 2 weeks have to be the STRICTEST yet. The wedding is may 12 – and I WILL fit into that bridesmaid dress… and it will look BANGIN. I will not spend another wedding smushed into a dress, praying for the night to be over so I can wear sweats and eat without feeling guilty/ripping fabric..

I just feel like I don’t have any “joy” for anything right now.
I really want a new camera. Im finally getting inspired for something… and I can’t afford it. I asked for a new camera that I did some research on for my birthday… but the only problem is my birthday is in August. A lot of good that camera will do for spring & summer when I will get inspired and want to get into nature and take pictures. So I asked for it now, and said that I would be satisfied with that and a dinner in august. But I don’t think that’s gonna fly. Which also makes me annoyed. I can’t buy myself a camera b/c I can’t justify the $350 on my credit card…. Which is already astronomical and makes me have anxiety every time I so much as think of money. I have to come up with a way to pay this off – and I have NO idea how im going to do it. I need to get creative b/c its going into “bad” territory… and I feel sick about it

I’m cranky.
I want to be out of this mood.
I want to feel good.
I want to care about something.
I want my lower back to stop hurting.

I want summer.