chump change

alert. i am in a bad mood. read at your own risk.

SO F'ING ANNOYED.
i need to let it go, seriously. this kind of annoyance and whatever is not good for my stomach. i know that. but right now i am just SICK AND F'ING TIRED of them and their seemingly endless supply of money and nice things and all of that crap.

right now i feel like i am in the hardest times of my life - everything is counted down to the last dime each paycheck. i havent gone shopping for myself in what feels like an eternity. i dont buy new clothes. i shop for work stuff at f'ing KOHL'S for fucks sake, my jeans are 2 year old gap bullshit [that dont even FIT, mind you], i dont have any sense of style or fashion or trendiness [not that i am a trendy person... i actually HATE that shit], but even if i WANTED TO i couldnt buy myself a new outfit. oh and then theres my AWESOME credit card that i have pretty m uch determined will NEVER EVER get paid off, but instead just keep getting higher and higher and higher and i am ABSOLUTELY HATING MY LIFE RIGHT NOW

i just want to be able to afford some things. i dont want to have debt. i dont want to see them with their 1500 dollar TV, their $500,000 house, their 2 fucking $1,000 dogs, their brand new luxury cars, the seemingly endless displays of money, the vacations, ALL OF IT JUST ANNOYS THE SHIT OUT OF ME

instead me & D: make our lunch every day, freak out if we spend over $75 at the grocery store, fight over who is buying the next bottle of wine, wear the same clothes to work every week (that are falling apart), never buy ourselves any new clothes, complain about the costs of possibly getting engaged in the next year, deciding that "buying a house is over-rated" [aka we cant afford a down payment].

and ALL THE WHILE... we make more then the average person and we are only 25.

but i need to realize that money DOES NOT = HAPPINESS.
D and i have a great life together. we have a lot of fun, do lots of cool things with good people and really enjoy each others company and our apartment. we have a great place by the beach and are very much in love. yeah, we fight but thats life. more money would only make buying things easier, it would be NO means make our relationship any better. masking problems with big shiny things only hides what is really going on. he can't buy me a $20,000 ring and i dont want one. that isnt me or us or love. and to be honest, the last year of our lives - where we had to adjust to living with each other, and pay joint bills, and help decorate the apartment, etc - that was what shaped us. and we were BOTH making less at that time, so it has gotten marginally easier. but that made us stronger. we werent thrown into a situation with thousands of dollars being thrown at us in every direction just for smiling the right way. yeah, our parents have done more than their fair share of contributing to our slim wallets, but never with extravagant gifts, trips or checks.

i really dont know what it is that pisses me off about it so much. i know its petty. i know every life is different. i know their relationship has always been different from day one. i know its not about me, or us or anything. but i think i dread the thought that i am going to be 55 like my parents and just NOW realize that i can spend some money, go on some trips and have some fun. i guess better late then never, but i am 25 NOW - full of life, NO family, no huge responsibilities - nothin. i want to travel, i want to move to another city, i want to buy a new camera [BAD], there are just small things that i feel like can't be accomplished at this point in time - and then i see my friends, and they have everything in a 24K solid gold handbasket.

oh yeah, and i really want to lose 5 f'ing pounds.