lawn chair

so i find it interesting that last night in the middle of the night i had an AWFUL dream. now i tend to have lots of dreams, but they tend to just be WEIRD and long and all over the place. i can appreciate a good dream sequence on TV b/c most of the time, it looks like what is happening inside my head. and more often than not, i remember 99% of them, much to the annoyance of whoever wakes up with me. i insist on telling the WHOOOLE story, for whatever reason. but they just feel so damn real that i need to share.

anyhoo,....
last night i had a BAD one. and just now thinking of it, it piqued my interest.

i was out somewhere, with a large group of people at what seemed to be some sort of sporting event, b/c i was in a lawn chair watching a group of people do 'something' [its unclear]. i do know that someone i went to college with and was affiliated in my last relationship [and im not that fond of him] was there doing something in this event. it seems as if out of no where the water was rising, and suddenly im watching this event in my chair in the water. i seem to be floating, or somehow staying with my head above water - and i feel comfortable about this, not panicked like i would be in real life, obviously. next thing i know im not doing so well with floating and i seem to be sinking. but my ring (that i wear every day on my pointer finger) is holding me to the chair and its just caught by one little egde- and so i cant paddle with all of my strength, so i keep sinking faster & faster, trying to yell and everyone is still going on with their sporting event w/o a care in the world.

at this point i SIT UP STRAIGHT .... GASPING for air and panting, almost wimpering, and D of course wakes up to comfort me, which at the moment is all well and good... but im still really wiped out by this dream and continue to pant - as if i was really not breathing in bed and feel as if i escaped death.

all i could whisper was '....i was drowning...'

and we fell back asleep.

now as i sit here, i can still feel that awful tense feeling, and i can see the blue water rising around me and remember looking down at the damn ring thinking -- WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE??!?!

i, of course, turned to the trusty internet.

Dream Dictionary:

Drowning
To dream that you are drowning, signifies that you are overwhelmed by emotions or repressed issues that is coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts and therefore must proceed more cautiously and slowly. If you drown to death, then is refers to an emotional rebirth. If your survive the drowning, then a waking relationship or situation will ultimately survive the turmoil.

Alternate version (and more subtle i think):

Drowning
Going under emotionally. Losing all that you have. Big ruin ahead.

so what does this mean?
am i doomed?
the ring = engagement?
engagement = drowning, suffocating, death??
am i scared to fail/change my mind at that???

or is it just my unconscious saying im overwhelmed with life, b/c i AM!

we're not even THERE yet. there has been no real discussion about timelines - although i think D has an idea of what he wants to do. i know everyone is giving him shit, b/c hes the guy and people do that... but thankfully i have heard none of that. my family is weird/overprotective.

ok im 25.
i live with my bf for over a year.
i have a good job
i take care of myself (for the most part!)

but still i think if i were to get engaged within the next year people would FREAK OUT
shit, apparently if i were to get engaged within the next year then I WOULD BE THE ONE FREAKING OUT.
but it'll still happen.
people will get over it.
i will hopefully keep my head above water.

i was never a very good water-treader.

a silly list

A - Available or Single? well thats not really one or the other is it? im definitely not single or available... unless you want to take me to lunch, take me on a shopping spree or a vacation. but i probably have to clear that by D

B - Best Friend? definitely D, since i tell him pretty much every single thing... and obviously C

C - Cake or Pie? obviously cake. i do love pie. i love it all. but nothing beats birthday cake :)

D - Drink of Choice? during the day - its definitely water, and a cup of coffe & tea. i love a good glass of red wine, or a vodka tonic

E - Essential Item(s)? cocoa butter chapstick, mascara, and cell phone. although i rarely talk on the phone anyway

F - Favorite Color? green or pink

G - Gummi Bears or Worms? worms

H - Hometown? a small one by the water, monmouth county, new jersey
I - Indulgence? bad TV [girls next door], chocolate, scotch

J - January or February? neither!! but if i had to pick... february i guess

K - Kids? hahahah right now that thought is TERRIFYING

L - Life is incomplete without… enough sleep, cheese, and good friends

M - Marriage Date ... non-existent at the moment

N - Number of Siblings - none.

O - Oranges or Apples? apples, always

Q - Favorite Quote "could i BE wearing any more clothes?!"

R - Reasons to Smile? having an apartment to come home to, a bank account to pay the bills, and food :)

S - Season? definitely spring turning to summer and early fall

T - Tag Three --- nope.

U - Unknown Fact About Me : i have had both a hernia operation & my appendix removed. 2 scars in same area
V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals? a bit of both. could def do without red meat, but would eat chicken

W - Worst habits? being a bitch to D, getting over-emotional, letting guilt take over me

X- X-rays or Ultrasounds? i've had em both and neither bother me too much

Y - Your Favorite Foods - cheese, junk food [doritos, chips & dip, pizza], ANYTHING mexican

Z - Zodiac Sign - LEOOOOO grrr.

still very cranked.

although today i feel even more annoyed with life than i did yesterday, all this anxiety and crap has to go somewhere.... right??
i havent been to the gym in a while (last wednesday... 1 week ago) & i just have too much going on before we head out of town to get there again. i need to get travel sized crap, i need to pick up a few cute things to wear on "vacation" - otherwise i might have a nervous breakdown when i go to pack tomorrow. i feel like i might have a nervous breakdown in general.... i dont know what has gotten into me, but i am feeling very overwhelmed, etc etc etc

im feeling really disconnected
i know a lot of it is my fault.
im not the kind of friend i should be. i dont call anyone. i never call back. i say mean things about them in my head [and sometimes out loud]
i feel taken for granted
i feel like i do nice things & pay attention to people but no one ever ever returns the sentiment
im broke
im unoriginal
i have no motivation in life
i have old ugly clothes
i wear the same 4 pairs of pants every week to work with a mix & match of 4 different tops
i can't afford to buy anything new, without going farther into debt
im already in debt and it makes me sick thinking of how long its going to take to pay it off
my parents already lend me money and i dont know how im going to pay them back, if i ever do
i want to get out of new jersey
im feeling suffocated
i want to backpack
i want to travel
i want to see crazy things
i want to miss my family
i want people to miss me
i want to spend christmas in brazil
i want to be ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT I AM NOW


im boring
im typical

rainy days and mondays

I feel like im having an ‘out of body week’ or something.
I know its got to have something to do with this awful weather we’re having b/c I can barely handle another day that doesn’t get above 50, where it pours rain, makes everyone a little more pissy than usual..

I think im just feeling really ugly. Unattractive. Pale, flabby, grown out roots [over 2.5 months old… which is a RECORD for me… and 2 more weeks to go], old wardrobe of the same old clothes being repeated every 4 days, im just feeling BORING. Plain. Average. Ugly.

But on the brighter side, today is D’s birthday, and we're going out to dinner to our fave italian place in town and then back to the apt for cake ...

speaking of cake.
well i felt like SHIT yesterday... i dunno, i HATE sleeping in my old bed at home with D - its too small and just overall i toss & turn all night. my back was killing me so i said screw the gym -
came home and started to make his birthday cake. prepare a few aspects [the pan, preheat the oven, get the supplies ready] and pour the water into the batter. turn to move the bowl and BAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM chocolate cake mix goo ALL OVER ME and the floor. i mean i emptied the bowl. SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COATED EVERYTHING so i just stand there in shock trying not to freak out. i just cleaned the kitchen the other night when i went on a rampage and its now 8:30, ughhh i was so annoyed. but we cleaned up, ran to the store and got another mix, and then i re-made it, this time with no spills.

So annoying..
I treated myself with a scotch. Something I have also been avoiding – alcohol on weeknights. It’s just unnecessary calories really and I don’t need the drink. But last night, I did. And tonight is the birthday so I’ll definitely have wine. Then we’re going away Saturday to Tuesday for a food & drink fest, which means the following 2 weeks have to be the STRICTEST yet. The wedding is may 12 – and I WILL fit into that bridesmaid dress… and it will look BANGIN. I will not spend another wedding smushed into a dress, praying for the night to be over so I can wear sweats and eat without feeling guilty/ripping fabric..

I just feel like I don’t have any “joy” for anything right now.
I really want a new camera. Im finally getting inspired for something… and I can’t afford it. I asked for a new camera that I did some research on for my birthday… but the only problem is my birthday is in August. A lot of good that camera will do for spring & summer when I will get inspired and want to get into nature and take pictures. So I asked for it now, and said that I would be satisfied with that and a dinner in august. But I don’t think that’s gonna fly. Which also makes me annoyed. I can’t buy myself a camera b/c I can’t justify the $350 on my credit card…. Which is already astronomical and makes me have anxiety every time I so much as think of money. I have to come up with a way to pay this off – and I have NO idea how im going to do it. I need to get creative b/c its going into “bad” territory… and I feel sick about it

I’m cranky.
I want to be out of this mood.
I want to feel good.
I want to care about something.
I want my lower back to stop hurting.

I want summer.

im special

here are a few things about me: [since we're practically strangers and all]

• i really love being in bed. i dont think i take enough advantage of this anymore. getting older really is annoying with all the rules, responsibilities and "appointments"
• i am now constantly worried about my weight. but i dont go to any crazy lengths to get "super skinny", although it has crossed my mind. i love food too much to do it
• i am a hypochondriac and always think the worse when i get 1 little symptom
• i have been dreaming of moving to a warmer state for as long as i can remember... but i am afraid i might never get the courage to do it
• i would still sleep with my childhood stuffed animal/blanket if D didnt get so "mad" about it [its really the disapproving 'youre older than this' face i get that makes me not want to]
• i can't do math to save my life. simple addition takes me a few seconds to process. dont even get me started on fractions, long division, percentages
• i hate backhanded insults disguised as compliments
• i am obsessed with celebrities, celebrity gossip, magazines, websites and the like. i can't get enough and i dont feel bad about it.
• i get very jealous. but in a secret way. about lots of things
• im an only child
• i like doing things to make other people happy & feel good but i get secretly upset when no one ever does anything nice like that for me
• my hair has probably been every length and color and style ... except curly. never curly. i just cant get there
• i dont think i could ever bring myself to buy a $175 pair of jeans
• im always waiting to "lose a few pounds" before buying something ive been wanting
• i really want an engagement ring but i am scared about actually being married
• i hate talking on the phone A LOT
• I love the taste of coffee
• as part of my weight loss routine i have decided to cut out drinking during the week. good on my budget, good on my belly fat, bad when all i really want is a nice glass of wine :(
• im very paranoid about my underarm odor [or lack thereof, again... hypochondria]
• i tend to stare at old mens packages especially when they are sitting down
• i love everything bagels with cream cheese & tomato, toasted

there are a few things to wet your whistle... or whatever the saying is.

more later.

chump change

alert. i am in a bad mood. read at your own risk.

SO F'ING ANNOYED.
i need to let it go, seriously. this kind of annoyance and whatever is not good for my stomach. i know that. but right now i am just SICK AND F'ING TIRED of them and their seemingly endless supply of money and nice things and all of that crap.

right now i feel like i am in the hardest times of my life - everything is counted down to the last dime each paycheck. i havent gone shopping for myself in what feels like an eternity. i dont buy new clothes. i shop for work stuff at f'ing KOHL'S for fucks sake, my jeans are 2 year old gap bullshit [that dont even FIT, mind you], i dont have any sense of style or fashion or trendiness [not that i am a trendy person... i actually HATE that shit], but even if i WANTED TO i couldnt buy myself a new outfit. oh and then theres my AWESOME credit card that i have pretty m uch determined will NEVER EVER get paid off, but instead just keep getting higher and higher and higher and i am ABSOLUTELY HATING MY LIFE RIGHT NOW

i just want to be able to afford some things. i dont want to have debt. i dont want to see them with their 1500 dollar TV, their $500,000 house, their 2 fucking $1,000 dogs, their brand new luxury cars, the seemingly endless displays of money, the vacations, ALL OF IT JUST ANNOYS THE SHIT OUT OF ME

instead me & D: make our lunch every day, freak out if we spend over $75 at the grocery store, fight over who is buying the next bottle of wine, wear the same clothes to work every week (that are falling apart), never buy ourselves any new clothes, complain about the costs of possibly getting engaged in the next year, deciding that "buying a house is over-rated" [aka we cant afford a down payment].

and ALL THE WHILE... we make more then the average person and we are only 25.

but i need to realize that money DOES NOT = HAPPINESS.
D and i have a great life together. we have a lot of fun, do lots of cool things with good people and really enjoy each others company and our apartment. we have a great place by the beach and are very much in love. yeah, we fight but thats life. more money would only make buying things easier, it would be NO means make our relationship any better. masking problems with big shiny things only hides what is really going on. he can't buy me a $20,000 ring and i dont want one. that isnt me or us or love. and to be honest, the last year of our lives - where we had to adjust to living with each other, and pay joint bills, and help decorate the apartment, etc - that was what shaped us. and we were BOTH making less at that time, so it has gotten marginally easier. but that made us stronger. we werent thrown into a situation with thousands of dollars being thrown at us in every direction just for smiling the right way. yeah, our parents have done more than their fair share of contributing to our slim wallets, but never with extravagant gifts, trips or checks.

i really dont know what it is that pisses me off about it so much. i know its petty. i know every life is different. i know their relationship has always been different from day one. i know its not about me, or us or anything. but i think i dread the thought that i am going to be 55 like my parents and just NOW realize that i can spend some money, go on some trips and have some fun. i guess better late then never, but i am 25 NOW - full of life, NO family, no huge responsibilities - nothin. i want to travel, i want to move to another city, i want to buy a new camera [BAD], there are just small things that i feel like can't be accomplished at this point in time - and then i see my friends, and they have everything in a 24K solid gold handbasket.

oh yeah, and i really want to lose 5 f'ing pounds.