oh lordy

Ok I need to take a few minutes to get some stuff out. NOW.

First of all, my birthday is 2 days away. Not tomorrow, the day after. Woo. Hoo.

Second, I think my boyfriend is an idiot.

Now, hear me out. I love him. He’s fabulous, funny, gorgeous, and a great cook, among the many many other things that make me love him more every day. But being ‘romantic’ and a good gift giver is not really his #1 quality. Through the years I’ve gotten some interesting things from him – from a weird heart pendant necklace to these little mouse figurines, to nine west sandals (actually very nice), basically every weird thing on earth. So yeah, I don’t really ever expect too much. I know that when I’m doing presents I think logically and what people would really love and use and be so happy about. I got him this awesome travel bag for his birthday (expensive) – [and among other things], canvas and leather and very “man-like” as he had stated in the past he was looking for. He lovessss it and uses it all the damn time. It was a great investment of $400 and I don’t regret it at all. So being that it’s my 25th birthday and I always get all pouty and ‘depressed’ before you would think that he would maybe do a little something more….

Well last night so last night D was wrapping my presents [which I hadn’t even seen come in, except one box from red envelope], and he apparently had something in his car. So he had this roll of wrapping paper and he's out wrapping for like 20-30 minutes it seems like, and he comes in and is like "I ran out of paper, do you have any? I'm so dumb I thought this might happen" so I tell him where & he continues wrapping.... I come out after he's done and there are no presents anywhere. esp. if he had run out of paper you would think it might be something big. so whatever I go to sleep and he passes out & I’m laying there when suddenly it hits me - he went to snapfish and ordered pictures from our Newport trip and framed them - esp. this one of a sailboat that was really pretty & he had said "ooh we can frame this & hang it somewhere here" - hence all the paper and it was probably under/behind something. so this morning he had to be at work at 6:30, so I got up and poked around and SURE ENOUGH - 2 framed somethings under the couch [wrapped]!!!!!!!

So seriously, 2 framed pictures from MY OWN FREAKING CAMERA?! I mean yeah its sweet and it was a cool picture, but seriously, for my birthday???? I know I’m overreacting and I would hope there was something more than that, but I was like between tears and shocked this morning. I know I shouldn’t try to look for anything but hello, of course I will

So now of course I’m mad, but I can’t be. Who knows what he’s planning, but seriously – framed pictures from my own camera? I feel terrible that he would only think to spend $20 on that, and think it is so “romantic” and nice. What would have been nice was doing that just BECAUSE, not as a gift for my birthday. And I know, I know – he is trying to save for a ring which is a big commitment and responsibility, etc etc – but I’m still feeling bummed. I know I’m an asshole so save me the shit.

Thankfully I’m getting a kick-ass camera from my parents that I am supremely looking forward to, I’m getting a home cooked meal from D tomorrow and dinner out to my FAVORITE restaurant on my actual birthday, so things could be worse. Again, how many times do I have to tell myself – IT’S JUST ANOTHER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

setting my record straight.

Rhode island was great, more to come on that later....

first, i bitch.

My birthday is just around the corner - about a week away, and it always brings me down every year as I have gotten older. No, it’s not the ‘I’m getting older’ thing, its not ‘I’m approaching 30’, etc etc – it always seems to be more then that. I build up this day, I’m excited for it for the month or so beforehand, “only 22 days till my birthday” – and so on. I imagine all the nice things people might do for me since it is my birthday, I think of all the nice attention, and as it gets closer I feel like I’m slapped with reality. There will be no nice things. My friends will be “too busy” with other important things and then it leaves me feeling pretty much like I should, as it is my fault. I don’t make the effort I should, and therefore who the hell is gonna do anything nice for me??

I hate the fact that I’ve possibly built up something in my head that in no way shape or form is going to happen on my birthday. D is not even acting like I have a birthday coming up, much less like he might propose then. I snooped, I found things, and I have been constantly looking – but with no sign of any ring, much less a present AT ALL. So he’s got a week, and hopefully something will materialize. I wish that in these situations all the things that I did for others on their birthdays with my thoughtfulness & caring would be reciprocated back to me – but instead I am left feeling like “wow, why do I keep doing this stuff for others”? When I talk to D about what the 2 of us might do next week he is very nonchalant like “oh, whatever, maybe we’ll do dinner” – no excitement, no emotion what-so-ever basically. So either he really is a douche bag and I need to reassess or he is a good actor.

But whatever, I’ve got to get over this whole thing. My birthday will come & go like any other day, except I will get some cards, have a nice dinner, eat some cake and have people ask, “So, do you feel any different?” It will just be another Thursday in August. Next year I will have another [God willing], and I will get momentarily depressed and then slap myself around and say ‘stop being such a loser’.

I put it on myself. I say “I don’t want to make a big deal” – and I truly don’t, but I think deep down I wish that others would do it ANYWAY

I’m an idiot.

I need to get over myself, get over this “event”, this day, this stupid time of year. I need to just enjoy what’s left of summer and stop dwelling on stupid shit. I have a GREAT family, a great boyfriend who I love living in sin with [even if it means more time of not being engaged], great friends – for the most part. I have a good job that I enjoy coming to, I love my little beach house, and I have the entire future to be miserable. This birthday is not going to be the death of me.

leaving on an amtrak train...

off to the "ocean state" of rhode island in a little less than an hour...

wait, why do they call it the ocean state? i must get to the bottom of this.

off to see a wedding, drink secretly in a bathroom stall, have quiet sex in D's parents house, see newport, go on a sunset boat tour, try and see if i hear any secret talk of engagement rings and hometown jewelers, eating a lot, drinking even more, long train rides, more then a few arguments im sure, and all around a great time away from work.

details to follow monday on this ludicrous wedding affair!

binge

Another great weekend in good old jersey. Fabulous beach weather, and I spent both days enjoying it to the fullest. I got a bit burned yesterday, but not to the point of ridiculousness, which is nice. By this morning it had turned into tan, which will last on me about 3 days. I don’t know why I bother. I hope that I am not doing some sort of awful injustice to my delicate skin that I will be kicking myself over in 20 years. I’m sure I will. I’ll just say that it was worth it.

Had a wedding Friday night, which was a great time. I love getting dressed up with D – and it puts him in that “oooh wedding” frame of mind, especially when it’s a friend of his – and he can just plainly see how happy the groom was. Lots of food, lotssss of drinks and no dancing [bummed], but overall a really great time.

We are heading out to RI this week – on Wednesday for a wedding that D is in. Our final wedding for the upcoming months. Thank god! Neither of us are too excited about it, as the couple is really strange and the wedding/reception is likely to be a very weird event. First of all, there is no alcohol at the reception. Yes, nothing. Not a cash bar, nothing. I think there is a bar in the location itself, but it isn’t like “a part” of the wedding. So we will both be packing a flask, and praying it isn’t as bad as we are thinking it’s going to be.

My biggest issue now is my weight. I’ve really let it go and I think the only reason it looks “okay” is because I have a bit of a tan, which we all know hides some imperfections. I weighed myself this morning and I am at an APPALLING 140 pounds. That’s a lot for me – and only like 4 pounds away from being ‘overweight’ by doctors standards for my height. I don’t want to be that person and I need to try so much harder. It’s so hard when D can eat whatever he wants, and does – and then I am supposed to not partake in any of it. I want snacks and junk – probably just as much as I want to lose weight. It doesn’t work like that. I haven’t been to the gym for the whole month of july yet, and that’s unacceptable. “it’s hot” is not a good reason. After this wedding coming up this week I will be heading back to the gym. I’d like to lose 5 pounds by my birthday, which is in 17 days. I figure if I don’t eat carbs, sweets or alcohol this week (until Friday for our Newport adventure) then that will be a good start. I’ll allow Friday & Saturday morning for indulgence, and then get back to it. I’m soft, starting to feel full of cellulite, and flabby. It’s unattractive. But seeing the scale this morning put me right in my place. I will be happy with 130 pounds. I would be happier with 125 or 128. but I know I can’t kill myself and I do also have to enjoy life, instead of being miserable and “not allowing” anything. That’s no fun – and that’s when I BINGE so bad. I can’t keep making excuses. I don’t want to talk about it with everyone, especially D. He tries to help, but it normally tends to come out like “wow, you shouldn’t be eating that, huh?” [aka, in a girls mind “you. are. fat.”] which always gets me going and then I want to eat it just to be like fuck off – I’ll do what I want. Which he then says ‘I’m only trying to help & encourage you because I see how down you get about it’. I only see the bad side which is him thinking I really could stand to lose those extra lbs. Don’t get me into that whole thing – it is a slippery slope my friends.

Another thing that is weighing on my mind is my birthday. I’ve never been a big “celebrator” of my birthday only because it’s in the middle of the summer and I feel like everyone is always so busy & split up that nothing good (like a big party) can ever come of it. I never put any effort into it b/c I don’t want to be disappointed when no one shows up and makes me feel like maybe I don’t have friends after all. This year I am taking a very relaxed approach. Plan something casual and whoever shows up, shows up and I’ll have fun with them. If its just me, D and my parents – that’s fine with me.

I hate the fact that C and I have drifted into a ‘non-friendship’ zone. I think it’s just the time of year or whatever she’s going through, but we haven’t spoken in WEEKS, besides a random email or something. I call her – and no call back. She calls me at the WORST times, knowing that I can’t talk. And I’ve gotten to the point where I have NO desire to talk to her, we are SO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. She’s going down a good path for her – in PR, with that whole “glamorous” world of stuck-up, self-indulgent, low self-esteem people…. People who I have nothing in common with. I like my life, I like my job, I like living in Jersey for now, and I don’t like feeling like it is “less” than anything else. I don’t like hiding that I am happy b/c she has nothing to talk about also (it’s always been that way). She’s always been one that doesn’t do a very good job of hiding the fact that she is unhappy that someone else has good fortune. I’ve been noticing this as people we know have been getting married or engaged. I say “oh that’s so exciting for them! Yay”, etc etc and she replies “I can’t believe it… we’re so young, that’s so gay” (aka WHY NOT ME). I told D the other night at dinner that I don’t even want to share the news with her whenever we get engaged b/c I know im going to hear the ‘disappointment’ in her voice – the type that’s like “wow im excited for you, but why not me” I know I’ve talked about this before, but I guess it’s weighing on me. I’m fully prepared to tell her off if I hear that bullshit in her voice. And once and for all kind of get it out there that the happiest time in my life should be met with the biggest and best GENUINE enthusiasm, not “wow, im not at that point yet – that makes me a loser and now im depressed b/c youre happy”. That’s not fair to me. D’s response when I spilled all this – “well its fine…. We’ll just call her last”. I love him.

glass half-full?

Well I have been slacking, I have been thinking daily about writing, and what I would write about but I never get around to it. Procrastination is the key to all things in my life and god it is a pain in the ass.
But im finally here, and maybe will even have some topics to discuss.
And I want to write more frequently. Really, I do. Don’t take my lack of attention to be anything more than just my laziness.

So what’s up with me……..

Well summer has been summer. Nice and relaxing. Many days spent at the beach, which is great. I want to be able to look back at this apartment one day and say that we did take advantage of it to its fullest potential – by swimming at night after work, and enjoying long days at the beach and tiki bar, and having people over to the beach. Its just such a great area, and I don’t want to ever look back with regret “oh we should have done this more…”
Work has been slow for a bit, which makes most days kind of unbearable. I know its just the time of year and things slow down, but god it can be awful. There really is only so much time you can ‘look busy’ during the day when all you want to do is nap or go home……. Anything to pass time. I just hope that there will be enough to get me through the summer, I hate when I start having those feelings or wishing I was doing something else. Not that I have ANY direction what-so-ever…… but it’s still fun to think about sometimes.

Wow im boring. No wonder I haven’t written in a while. I bore myself.

So really the big thing on my mind is the possible engagement. Mine, of course.

I hate to say that I have been thinking a lot about it……. But I have. My birthday is in only a few short weeks, and I hate that my mind is so focused on the idea that maybe.. just maybe it will happen that wonderful Thursday morning.

He has been playing kind of coy – and acting like nothing is up. He went home this past weekend where through my past snooping [cleaning] I had found a card for a jeweler in his hometown. He went there without me, the last time before my birthday that he’ll be there without me. I have this whole scenario built in my head of what I wish the day could be like and that it actually would be that day, etc… when I really don’t know that. We talked about engagement in like November and he said something about my birthday – which has just stuck in my craw since then [of course, duh I’m a girl]… it’s only natural. There have been many little things that I am either reading into or that are actual signs. When I said something about engagement or something in passing literally 2 seconds later he goes “so, what do you want for your birthday”. We weren’t even on the topic. He says he’s been having an upset stomach lately, especially while he was home and “doesn’t know why”… aka nerves. I don’t know – this is all probably a figment of my imagination and even writing about this is making me feel like I’m jinxing it. I don’t want to talk about it with ANYONE, I barely even let myself think about it too much. I’m at a cross between really excited and really nervous and “how will he do it” “what will he say” “what will he say to my parents?” “has he asked them yet” etc etc etc. and normally, the one person I could go to to talk about this stuff with [C] is just not someone I can share anything with anymore. She has turned into another person and our friendship is most certainly suffering. I mean I have felt for years that we are going in different directions – and she is going to be that eccentric “auntie” that comes to visit with her big blonde hair and boobs and clothes that are very inappropriate for a 40 year old [who still thinks she looks great] ……….. I’m getting side-tracked.

Anyway, I just can’t call her up and discuss this excitement anymore. b/c she won’t be happy. I will be able to hear the fake ‘happiness’ in her voice, where she will promptly hang up and call EVERYONE she knows to tell them, and bitch ‘why isn’t it me'??!?!?!? it’s always been this way, and I don’t see it stopping any time soon. I know that she will be slightly happy, in the way that best friends since 14 have to be, but she will still simmer with the thoughts of “why not ME?” and it will taint it every so slightly.

She is taken a turn for the more snobby in the past few months, and looks down her nose at people who aren’t doing what she is doing [myself included, although I know she would NEVER admit that]. Saying things like “ugh, they’re going to live in New Jersey FOR-EV-ER” as if it was the worst thing on earth. Now I am not a proponent for New Jersey but I am having a pretty good life right now and at the moment don’t really feel this overwhelming need to move to the city or anything CLOSE to that. I let those comments slide. The ones that sound more like “wow I was having a crisis… I was looking for jobs… in NEW JERSEY” to which I say “you do know I work in new jersey right??” and it’s the “oh not you honey – of course not”…. RIIIIIIIGHT. You freaking bitch.

So instead of sharing my inner giddy happiness I’m going to keep it to myself.

Especially for the small percentage of me that believes once I tell someone I really feel its going to happen, it wont.